Family Guy

From the two part season three premiere of Family Guy where Brian ran away to Hollywood to the banned episoded, "When You Wish Upon a Weinstein," the third season had some great episodes.

Now you can catch up with all of your favorite season three quotes in the largest collection assembled on the web.  Here's just some of our favorite Family Guy quotes from this epic season:

Lois: Excuse me, we were about to use that.
Lady: You snooze, you lose, lady.
Lois: You have 2 choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do.
Stewie: Woohoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside | permalink

Quagmire: Hey baby, how about showing me your Lower East Side?
Transvestite: Sure.
Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Wait a moment, pre-op or post-op?
Transvestite: Pre-op.
Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Back off! | permalink

Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Uhh... we're playing House.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's House | permalink

Neil: Here's your coffee Mr Tucker.
Tom Tucker: What the hell is in this!
Neil: Sweet N' Low. That's for trying to steal my woman!
Tom Tucker: Go back and bring it to me with urine in it like I asked | permalink

Auctioneer: We'll open this auction with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagemire: Fifty bucks!
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks! | permalink

Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt | permalink

Peter: Hey, is the Count a Vampire?
Brian: What's that?
Peter: Well he's got these big fangs. Have they ever shown him doin' somebody in and then feedin' on em?
Brian: You're, you're asking me if they've ever done a Seseme Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance
Peter: Yeah
Brian: No, they've never done that | permalink

On last night's Family Guy, Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase guest starred as themselves, and moved into Cleveland's old house on Spooner Street.  Peter was ecstatic to greet his famous new neighbors, while Brian and Stewie were much more suspicious.

Brian and Stewie eventually discovered that the actors were spies like in their 1980s classic, Spies Like Us.  The episode was cleverly entitled "Spies Reminiscent of Us."

The boys followed the actors to Russia on a mission to stop Adam West and it led to some of the following hilarious Family Guy quotes:

Peter [to Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase]: I'd sure love it if you guys come to dinner at my house tonight. My wife's cooking sucks, but I'd sure love to look at you. | permalink

Peter [about Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase]: Oh my god, I'm eating dinner with two of the three ghost busters
Chevy Chase: Actually, I wasn't in that
Peter: Look at these guys, can't take a compliment | permalink

Dan Aykroyd: The activation phrase was something no one would ever think to mutter
Stewie: What is it?
Dan Aykroyd: The phrase is "gosh that itlain family at the next table sure is quiet" | permalink

Dan Aykroyd: Now you two individuals live here...are there any local residents whom you've seen acting strangely?
Stewie: Well, there's a pedophile up the street that nobody seems to be doing anything about, but it's mainly because he's so funny | permalink

Dan Aykroyd: If these signatures are correct, Mayor West is located just a third of a kilometer that way just over this rise
Stewie: That's what you said a third of a kilometer ago
Dan Aykroyd: Perhaps you'd like to do something besides criticizing me and quoting my movies
Stewie: You just watch your mouth mister | permalink

Stewie: Wow, those are the russian people? I mean granted you do think of bears on unicycles when you think of the russian people, but they're all bears on unicycles?
Dan Aykroyd: Bears on unicycles, every single on of them
Chevy Chase: So what do we do now?
Dan Aykroyd: We're undercover US agents in a hostile foreign environment, we just gotta make sure we don't do anything that makes us stick out
Guard: Hey, they're not bears on unicycles! You're under arrest! | permalink

In typical Family Guy fashion, last night's episode began with Peter having an affair with a Kathy Ireland cutout and somehow led to Lois finding out she's Jewish.

During the appropriastely named episode, "Family Goy," Lois was initially reluctant to change things and begin to accept her new religion, while Peter was all about it until the novelty wore off and his father's ghost told him to stop.

In the end, Lois decided not to switch religions, but not before we got some classic Family Guy quotes out of the episode.  Here's some of our favorites:

Chris: Hey dad, where you going with that cutout?
Peter: Oh hey kids, this is Kathy, we're designing lifestyle products together. It's completely legitimate, but don't tell your mother! | permalink

Lois: Peter, stop that! We're not having sex, I just told you I have a lump!
Peter: I have a lump too and mine's easier to get rid of | permalink

Lois: Mom, you're Jewish?
Barbara: I'm sorry we never told you dear, when we were married, your father made me conceal the fact so we could get into country clubs
| permalink

Meg: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
Lois: I hope so meg, I really do
Peter: It's not, Lois.... it's not | permalink

Peter: This family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash | permalink

Jesus: I am a Jew
Peter: Prove it. What's a 9% tip on a $200 dinner?
Jesus: It's $18, which is very fair | permalink

Meg: Mom, I can't clean, I've got stuff to do.
Lois: Meg, we all know you don't have stuff to do | permalink

During season two Brian declared his love for Lois, Peter worked for death, Chris became an artist, Meg got the family on a talk show, and Stewie and Brian took their first trip.  Oh and there's far too other memorable moments to even mention here.

What you can do is enjoy some of our favorite quotes from the season and then browse all of season two.

Peter: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly? | permalink

Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England | permalink

Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner | permalink

Peter: I'll handle it Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah | permalink

Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: Umm... you can't eat a-
Peter: Wanna split it? | permalink

Peter: Woah! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day, huh? | permalink

Peter: Sweet statuatory, you look beautiful | permalink

Peter: A job? Lois, the seventies are over, forget it | permalink

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but this guy won't let me.
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: Oh, that's a good army | permalink

Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: Now that's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk! | permalink

Last night Family Guy made its impressive eight season debut with "Road to the Multiverse."  In the episode, Brian and Stewie bounced around to multiple parallel universes while desperately trying to get back.

Some of our favorite universes they went to include a Robot Chick universe, one where eveyrone has two heads, and the final universe where dogs had pet humans.  Just check out some of our favorite Family Guy quotes from the episode:

Stewie: We're in the robot chicken universe
Peter: Will you guys move, you're blocking the tv
Chris: Look! GI Joe, Transformers, Thunder Cats, He-Man. Yay! Those shows existed!
Stewie: how does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds
Chris: $!%@ you! | permalink

Stewie: Take your stinkin' paws off me you damn dirty dog | permalink

Stewie: Gosh Brian, I sure hope this next leap, will be the leap home | permalink

Carnie: Step right up, step right up! You won't believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam.
Peter: What a ripoff, it's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style | permalink

Quagmire: Thanks honey, say hi to your husband. [device on his belt beeps] Oh, I've got AIDS again, better take my NyQuil Cold, Flu and AIDS. [takes pill] All gone! | permalink

Carnie: I guess 185 pounds
Adam West: Wrong, I'm 95 percent helium | permalink

It's hard to believe it's been over ten years since Family Guy debuted on Fox on a Super Bowl Sunday.  The season one premiere attracted 22 million viewers!

Since its debut, Fox did everything in their power to make sure the show was cancelled during its third season.  That, of course, had nothing to do with the quality of the show!

Seth McFarlane and company did some of their finest working during the debut season.  Just check out some of our favorite quotes from season one...

Peter: Guys, our money problems are over; we are officially on welfare! Come on kids, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn | permalink

Peter [at communion]: Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day, huh? | permalink

Peter [while riding an elephant]: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change | permalink

Lois: Now you shouldn't be frightened Stewie. What you saw was actually a very beautiful thing.
Stewie: Evidentally, madame, you and I differ greatly in our conception of beauty. Because what I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls | permalink

Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits! It says, "Oooooo!"
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios | permalink

Peter: All Brian's ever wanted is the same respect he gives us. Well, that and snausages. He's freakin' mental for those snausages! | permalink

Perhaps he's angry about being outed by his show's creator.

Or perhaps he's one of the few people on the planet that truly doesn't find The Office quotes very funny.

Whatever his motivation, Stewie Griffin feels very passionately about Family Guy. He believes it should win Best Comedy at this year's Emmy Awards.

If you don't agree with that, well, just look at what happens to Brian in the video below:

It's news that won't be remotely shocking to anyone that's been paying close attention. But Seth McFarlane has gone on record about Stewie's sexuality: he's gay.

In an interview with Playboy, the Family Guy creator said:

"We had an episode that went all the way to the script phase in which Stewie does come out, [but] we decided it’s better to keep it vague, which makes more sense because he’s a 1-year-old. Ultimately, Stewie will be gay or a very unhappy repressed heterosexual. It also explains why he’s so hellbent on killing [his mother, Lois] and taking over the world: He has a lot of aggression, which comes from confusion and uncertainty about his orientation."

Again, any loyal Family Guy viewer, such as the one that compiled the video below, figured this out ages ago...

Lauren Conrad makes her much anticipated cartoon debut on Family Guy on May 3rd.  In the episode entitled "We Love You Conrad," Brian is heart broken to find out his ex, Jillian is getting married.

In order to get over things, Brian, of course, hits the bottle and ends up waking up next to LC.  We have a clip from the scene right after they wake up below:

As previously reported, Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are set to guest start on the May 3rd episode of Family Guy. 

Now, thanks to People magazine, we have a first look at LC as a cartoon. And she's still hot!

The tabloid has a picture of Conrad posing alonside "cast mates" Stewie and Brian in a hilarious take on a classic The Hills promotional shot, one that featured LC, Audrina and Whitney Port.  Enjoy:

As far as LC's role on the cartoon, the show's creator Seth MacFarlane teased: "She dates Brian for an episode." 

Of course, we all know this is just a cover, as the dog is just jealous that his ex-girlfriend is getting married.