Louise: Thank you dad, you restored my faith in men
Allison: What'd he do? Wear pants to go get the mail?

I'm going to sleep with whoever I have to to prove to my tomorrow I'm not shallow

Allison: Why don't you throw a punch?
Gary: I'm trying but she's not where I'm punching!

Her fist isn't swollen from me beating it... with my face?

Allison: You know how I felt the first time he held his arms around me?
Gary: Were you helping him in or out of the tub?

Allison [about their marriage counselor]: He makes me feel young.
Gary: Of course he does, he's 80!

Allison: Have you noticed that Tommy's afraid of girls?
Gary: He should be afraid of girls. They pretend to like you and then take all your stuff

Hey kids throw away your books, get rid of your toothbrushes you're with Dad now.

Ms. St James: If we're going on a date you should call me erica
Gary: But can I call you ms St James on the date cause that's kinda hot?

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