Gary Unmarried

Gary Unmarried Quotes

Season 1 Episode 20: "Gary Fixes Allison's Garbage Disposal"

Mitch: Allison just gave you her most precious gift
Gary: Her gift was a lot more precious two kids ago
Allison: Yeah? You still unwrapped it like a drunk monkey
 • Rating: Unrated

Gary: There goes another satistifed customer from gary's house of love. over five served
Mitch: You got nothing
Gary: I got nothing. How did you know?
Mitch: I'm a marine. I can hear enemy scouts sneaking into a foxhole from two hundred yards away. Last night? I didn't hear that
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 19: "Gary and His Half Brother"

Gary [to Tom about his report]: I don't want you fooling with the margins this time around, your last report looked like a grocery list

 • Rating: Unrated

Jack: Why can't I remember anything?
Gary: Lots of reasons dad. Ounces and ounces of reasons
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 18: "Gary and the Trophy"

Gary: What do you say, Kim? Let's get out there and settle this with our balls
 • Rating: Unrated

Dad: What about Allison?
Gary: Dad, the only time I ever want to hear that sentences is if we're on a life raft and someone has to go
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ella: My people hate your people
Tom: You're talking about painters and floorers, not Koreans and whatever I am, right?
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: What are you reading?
Ella: Pre-calc
Tom: I read the sequel, calculus

 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 17: "Gary Hooks Up Allison"

Lindsay: Why are you whispering?
Gary: I'm at the opera
Lindsay: Are you painting it?
 • Rating: Unrated

Dennis: Why don't you go over to Ms. Plummer's?
Gary: I can't, she has cats
Dennis: What's wrong with cats?
Gary: I can't get naked in front of cats, they bat at things that dangle
 • Rating: Unrated

Random Guy: Excuse me, other people are waiting here
Gary: Yeah, but they're keeping it to themselves
Dennis: Burned!

 • Rating: Unrated

Ms Plummer: Sometimes the anticipation of the event is more exciting than the even itself
Gary: So my reputation as a lovemaker precedes me
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 16: "Gary Uses His Veto"

Allison [about riding a dirt bike]: Get on there, what's the worst that could happen?
Tom: I dunno, having to learn to type with a pencil taped to my head?
 • Rating: Unrated

Gary: Why does Louise have to learn Chinese? When the Chinese take over the world they're going to teach it to us for free in their re-education camps
 • Rating: Unrated

Gary: When are you gonna take time to be a kid
Louise: In my late 30's like you
Gary: I'd ground you for that, but then I wouldn't have anyone to play with
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 15: "Gary's Ex-Brother-In-Law"

Jack: I'm proud of you for helping him out, son
Gary: Thanks dad
Jack: You know you have a great big oversized help
Gary: That's why I'm helping him you think?
Jack: No, it's something I keep forgetting you tell you, it's hereditary
 • Rating: Unrated

Gary: I'm here for you, whatever you need, I'll do it for you. whatever it is you need. I'll help you
Taylor: Hold me
Gary: I'll put the TV on, I'll make you some soup
Taylor: Hold me
Gary: Run you a bath, get you a magazine
Taylor: I am a human being crying out in desperation and need, just come here and hold me!

 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Taylor: Can I ask you a simple business philosophy question, do you hate making money?
Gary: Yes, I hate making money
Taylor: Well then you are doing everything right. Why don't you use any of the tricks or loopholes or mechanisms I've set up for you
Gary: It's the tricks, loopholes and mechanisms that got me audited in the first place. I'm a house painter, you have my corporate headquarters in the Cayman Islands!
 • Rating: Unrated

Taylor [to Allison]: You look like you've lost 190 pounds
Allison: What?
Taylor [about Gary]: I'm talking about this guy over here!
 • Rating: Unrated

Tom: mom, they have a hamburger that costs $23
Allison: oh
Gary: does it come with a picture of the chef laughing at you?
 • Rating: Unrated

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