I was going to send Chase to tell you what the obvious right thing to do is here is, but then I realized that if you were too stupid to know how stupid that was, you might miss the irony.

Dr. Wilson

People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get. There's nothing any of us can do about it.

Talk to our little Gossip Girl.

Which of these says "I want to sleep with you" more? Penguin or beaver? Beaver. Beaver. Beaver. You're right. It's too high school.

House [examining stuffed animals]

Dr. Cuddy: Other doctors actually use their offices for crazy stuff like seeing patients. Not throwing a ball against the wall and calling it work.
Dr. Wilson: It's his process. That ball saves lives.

Wilson: Gregory House, will you marry me?
House: This is unexpected.

This is what men do for the women they pretend to love.

House: I didn't realize you'd be in the middle of something.
Wilson: It's a conference room. With glass walls.

What do you expect? I'm an addict. I set everything at all 11.

Wilson: What are you doing tonight?
House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.

Dr. Cuddy: You're right. Odds are this is nothing.
House: Meet me in the cafeteria in ten. There'll be a corn dog with your name on it. I mean an actual corn dog. They fixed the deep fryer.

Good thing I brought my axe cane.

House Quotes

Talk to our little Gossip Girl.

House

Masters: Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?
House: Because my assumption is baked up by millions of men, and Taub, who cheated on their wives.