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House: Why aren't you in my office?
Dr. Wilson: Because I know what the word "my" means?

House: Huh. I figured by now you'd be at the board in your monocle and jodhpurs.
Dr. Foreman: Yeah, you did something stupid. Quick, better mock someone.

My patient is opting into a handicap! It's an insult to all the other gimps out there.

Dr. Wilson: Uh, I'm not going to the bachelor party. Every time I go to one of your parties, I end up embarrassing myself in some new and unexpected way.
House: That whole thing with the duck was hardly unexpected.

House: So, and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before.
Dr. Chase: You're evil. See ya.

The main reason my third wife and I eloped was to avoid House's bachelor party. Have you seen Caligula?

Dr. Wilson

Yeah, by all means abandon a great diagnostic theory because it's difficult to prove.

Dr. Foreman: (checking out strippers) You know what a "broken cowboy is? It was on House's list of requirements.
Thirteen: I have three theories.

Listen, two things I do well. Bachelor parties rank towards the top.

I need a 'scrip for sleeping pills. My neighbor's dog been keeping me awake, and seems strangely invulnerable to poison.

Amber: That might explain why you're hallucinating. Doesn't explain why you're hallucinating Wilson's dead girlfriend.
House: Probably just my secret and very unconscious desire to get Wilson into my bedroom.

Amber: Aren't you curious why about why I'm here?
House: Curious why no French maid's outfit. No spanky pants.
Amber: I'm a hallucination... not a fantasy.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 108 in total

House Season 5 Quotes

House: If I wanted gifts, I would just look deep into my patients' eyes and act like you. "Oh, I'm so sorry you're dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course I'll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I can make up for in..."
Dr. Wilson: You'd just wind up insulting her. Perhaps calling her "Mrs. Moron."

House: You talked to Wilson.
Taub: He has very girly handwriting, by the way.