How I Met Your Mother

Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS

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How I Met Your Mother "Spoiler Alert" Quotes

Ted: I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right?
Marshall:... Lily doesn't chew loudly.
Ted: Dude. This isn't news. Why do you think I call her Chewbacca?
Marshall: I suspect because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford
• Rating: Unrated

Marshall: If I have to wait until my results come in the mail, I'm gonna have a heart attack.
Barney: Based on that grocery list, I'd say diabetes is a bigger worry
• Rating: Unrated

Robin: Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex?
Ted: Actually, Kleenex is a brand. This is a facial tissue.
• Rating: Unrated

[Ted is discussing his girlfriend Cathy]
Barney: Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with, Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janiero, we made love for ten straight hours. When we were done, she applauded, and told me that I was far far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in god.
Ted: What does this have to do with Cathy?
Barney: Who's Cathy?
• Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Marshall: [looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.
Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?
Marshall: Sugar helps me study.
Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.
Lily: Who leaves a 10 year old alone for the weekend?
Barney: And your mom was perfect.
• Rating: Unrated