Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS

Cheap tricks? Not one of these is a cheap trick! [pauses] Well, except for the Cheap Trick.


Ted: She was cute.
Lily: She still is! And now you're ready.
Marshall: Yeah, man, now you can fit like three times that many chicken fingers in your mouth!

Barney: I hope you're happy with yourself. You broke that girl's heart!
Lily: Me?!
Barney: You! She'll probably never trust a guy again. You ruined her for Ted! Not to mention Julio van Matterhorn, Lorenzo's twin brother.

Lily: That is awful. You realize you broke her heart, right? She's inconsolable!
Barney: Why would she be inconsolable? Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear over the arctic for another week.

Lily: Don't you think you're rushing back into this?
Barney: Lily, since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.
Lily: Huh?
Barney: This, my friends, is the playbook!

[narrating] Kids, the secret to dating is simple. Be confident, be comfortable in your skin, be assured about who you are. Your uncle Barney was really good at that last one. Even though a lot of the time, who he was was actually someone else.


An actress? Of course, that explains her impeccable diction and her slutiness


Lily: Barney I've had Shelly set aside for three years
Barney: Dude, Ted was not missing out. She's brainy and annoying. Kind of boring in the sack. Oh I guess she would have been perfect for Ted. Whoops.

Barney: Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's.
Marshall: MILSWANCA's?
Ted: Oh wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again
Barney: Correct, circle gets a square

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