How I Met Your Mother Season 3 Quotes
[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her.
[Lily walks in the bar]
Barney: How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think Ted, should I go for it?
Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily?
Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!
[Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar]
Barney: Poor guy's gonna crash and burn.
[Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.]
Barney: That man is a god.
Blahblah: You guys dated? For how long?
Robin: A year. But, don't worry. The relationship wasn't that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasn't that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will get you where you need to go.
Lily: Dumped by a six-year-old.
Robin: Whatever, he's a stupid-head
Doug: You're supposed to pour the milk first!
Robin: No, you pour the cereal first to see how much milk you need!
Doug: It tastes better milk first!
Robin: It tastes the same!
Doug: Why are you wearing my dad's pants?
Robin: Milk first it is.
Robin: What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...
Ted (voiceover): But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily (voiceover): But she's a gun nut.
Barney (voiceover): But she's... Canadian.
Marshall (voiceover): But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
All: I can't think of anything.
Robin: I like sports cars, but that doesn't mean I wanna push a Ferrari through my vagina.
Barney: Shotgun.
Barney: Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Theodore Mosby... are you paying these women?
Ted: What? No!
Marshall: Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume this is good for me.
Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
Marshall [muttering]: Already did this morning
Marshall: If Lily died, I could ride the tricycle.
Lily: If I died, I'd just come back and haunt your penis.
Ted: They're old sorority sisters.
Lily: Are they Betas? Cause they're all sluts and you can tell them I didn't wanna be in their sorority, anyway!
Ted: They're Kappas.
Barney: Stinson.
Ted: Okay, the beers are here.
Barney: Yeah, we're not gonna make it.
Ted: Oh, come on! We agreed!... Did Marshall take his pants off?
Barney: Yep, pants are off.
Marshall: This is Wimbledon, Ted! I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide! Cheerio!
Ted: What? We agreed! I suited up!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Marshall: Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to acheive.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!