Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life?
Abby: You slept with me and you never called me again.
Barney: And?
Abby: That's it!
Barney: That's it?! As far as I'm concerned if I leave you safe on a dry land with adequate transportation home you got nothing to complain about!

Ted: Hey, how was your day?
Lily: Today I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow.
Ted: A rainbow?! Sounds like that bitch had it coming

Abby and I are in love. Not hot, passionate love. Couple love! You know, movie night with my girlfriend then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold blue light of my computer monitor

Barney

Ted: Unexpected number of testicles?
Stella: It happens. I knew a guy in med school, we used to joke he was one ball from getting walked

Robin: Let me ask you something, Ted... why are you so much madder at Barney than me?
Lily: Yeah... she had just as much sex with Barney as Barney had with her!
Robin: You know what, I'm not sure that's true

No offense, Randy, but there is a long list of candidates for this slot. This slot is Vice President of Awesome. And you're like Assistant Undersecretary of Only OK.

Barney

Ted: We can do it against the door. It will be hot. It will be like a three-way: you, me and the door.
Stella: Yeah, but then it's going to be weird between me and the door tomorrow

[Marshall's cell phone rings]
Marshall: Hey buddy...I'm married Barney, I cannot be your new wingman.
[Robin's cell phone rings]
Robin: No

Marshall: God sent those lice to my head like he sent the locust to Egypt: to liberate me from corporate bondage. Miracle

Stella: So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.
Ted: Well, now I can finally say it: I hated that guy! Everything out of his mouth is 'I'm a vegan!', 'Fish feel pain!', 'I'm never constipated!'. That guy's an idiot.
Stella: Actually, she's marrying him. I just wanted your honest opinion.
Ted: He's actually a really nice guy. There's a wisdom

Ted [about sleeping with Robin]: By the way, my mother is coming to visit next week. Maybe you would like to nail her too!?
Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore

Ted: Hey Barney, I'm get rid of some of my old stuff; do you want my X-Box?
Barney: [gasps in horror] She has a name, Ted! Just what are you accusing me of?
Ted: Uh, liking video games

How I Met Your Mother Season 3 Quotes

Gael: Gael.
Ted: I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?
Gael: Gael.
Barney: ...Kyle?
Gael: Gael.
Marshall: ...Girl?
Robin: It's pronounced Guy-el.
Gael: It means joyful. That is why I live my life joyfully, and give to others. Especially those less fortunate than I.
Ted: I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?

Robin: We can split a cab to work together, we always have a standing lunch date, and last night, at the hockey game, Curt got us into the locker room and I met Mason Raymond. [gang looks clueless] Left wing for the Vancouver Canucks!
Barney: What's the opposite of name-dropping?