Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life?
Abby: You slept with me and you never called me again.
Barney: And?
Abby: That's it!
Barney: That's it?! As far as I'm concerned if I leave you safe on a dry land with adequate transportation home you got nothing to complain about!

Ted: Hey, how was your day?
Lily: Today I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow.
Ted: A rainbow?! Sounds like that bitch had it coming

Abby and I are in love. Not hot, passionate love. Couple love! You know, movie night with my girlfriend then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold blue light of my computer monitor

Barney

Ted: Unexpected number of testicles?
Stella: It happens. I knew a guy in med school, we used to joke he was one ball from getting walked

Robin: Let me ask you something, Ted... why are you so much madder at Barney than me?
Lily: Yeah... she had just as much sex with Barney as Barney had with her!
Robin: You know what, I'm not sure that's true

No offense, Randy, but there is a long list of candidates for this slot. This slot is Vice President of Awesome. And you're like Assistant Undersecretary of Only OK.

Barney

Ted: We can do it against the door. It will be hot. It will be like a three-way: you, me and the door.
Stella: Yeah, but then it's going to be weird between me and the door tomorrow

[Marshall's cell phone rings]
Marshall: Hey buddy...I'm married Barney, I cannot be your new wingman.
[Robin's cell phone rings]
Robin: No

Marshall: God sent those lice to my head like he sent the locust to Egypt: to liberate me from corporate bondage. Miracle

Stella: So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.
Ted: Well, now I can finally say it: I hated that guy! Everything out of his mouth is 'I'm a vegan!', 'Fish feel pain!', 'I'm never constipated!'. That guy's an idiot.
Stella: Actually, she's marrying him. I just wanted your honest opinion.
Ted: He's actually a really nice guy. There's a wisdom

Ted [about sleeping with Robin]: By the way, my mother is coming to visit next week. Maybe you would like to nail her too!?
Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore

Ted: Hey Barney, I'm get rid of some of my old stuff; do you want my X-Box?
Barney: [gasps in horror] She has a name, Ted! Just what are you accusing me of?
Ted: Uh, liking video games

How I Met Your Mother Season 3 Quotes

Barney: Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And its not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
Ted: How do you know she's from a different area code?
Barney: She's 516. She might dress like she's 718 and act like she's 212, but trust me she's 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty's Day? If that dude's not 973 I'm 307...Wyoming.

Barney: It's not possible! You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board!
Lily: How do you know?
Barney: Glad you asked, Lily. I have crafted a list of all vehicles, land-based, aquatic, and airborne, in which / on which it is possible to have sex. Of these 33, I have had sex in / on 31. Windsurfing board: not on the list. Oh, PS in order to hit 33, all I need is bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.
Lily: To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian.
Barney: This conversation never happened.