Dee: Are you actually gonn throw away all you convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.

Megan: What's this?
Mac: That's a list of the doctors I'm going to kill.
Megan: There's two already crossed out.
Mac: Yeah, I know.

So, you're not allowed to use birth control, but abortions are no problem?

Dee

Dee: Did you use birth control?
Mac: Whoa, Dee. We went to Catholic school, so...
Dee: Okay, so, you're allowed to have premarital sex, but you're not allowed to use birth control?

I will smash your face into, into a jelly!

Charlie

Dennis: I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay; I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Dennis: So do you come to these kind of things often, or?
Pro-Choice Woman: Are you hitting on me at an abortion rally?

Charlie: Ah, I mean I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know?
Dee: Like be there for her?
Charlie: No get her an abortion.

Charlie: Come stand next to me, then.
Dee: Why?
Charlie: So she doesn't think I'm creepy.
Dee: Well, you are creepy.
Charlie: I realize this. That's why I need you.

Tommy: You have to buy me a toy.
Charlie: I don't have to buy you shit.
Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm going to tell my mom you took me to a black people's house.
Dee: Okay.
Charlie: Wow! Oh, my God! That's racist. What do you, what do you say to that?
Tommy: You still have to buy me a toy!

You know, Den, I was thinking about what you were saying the other day about the t-shirts with the stupid slogans on them, and I was wondering what you think about this! (reveals a shirt that says "Death to baby killers") Huh, bitch? Yeah, is that stupid enough for ya?

Mac

We weren't expecting you to be black, that's all...

Mac

It's Always Sunny Quotes

Charlie: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put them in their place.
Mac: How you gonna do that?
Charlie: Well, you've seen the movie right?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: So all I gotta do is, I'll ask them some big shot, like math or science, history-type college question aand that will totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: In that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor, you're just a janitor.
Charlie: Right, you stumped me with that one.

Mac: He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: I don't have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well that's mayonnaise. It's a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That's shampoo.
Frank: You're telling I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you've been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably.