Louie

Louie Quotes

Season 3 Episode 13: "New Year's Eve"

Female Anchor: That's right. Statistics show that New Year's Eve is when people are most likely to commit suicide. More than 500 New Yorkers are expected to take their own lives tonight, especially those who are spending New Year's Eve by themselves.
Male Anchor: All by themselves.
Female Anchor: With no one by your body.
Male Anchor: Go ahead and put that gun in your mouth.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Doug: Funnyman, listen up. We're taking the kids down to Mexico to see your abuelita. We're staying at the Casa Grande Hotel. It's got a heated pool, hot wings on tap. Now I got you a first class ticket out of that left wing Kennedy Airport and you must come, I will not take 'no' for an answer.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Louie: "Sh*t on my father's balls. Sh*t."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 12: "The Late Show (Part 3)"

Dahl: Tune in every night, folks. It's the Crying Cleaning Lady show!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Louie: You know what your problem is? You're just a... pencil... penis... parade
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dahl [To Louie]: Tell the truth. You're scared. You're a rookie. You're like some kid at a talent show with a number pinned to his shirt.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Dahl [To Louie]: Now, have you ever had experience being funny?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 11: "Late Show (Part 2)"

Jack Dahl: Just because you like to hang out in your underwear on your couch doesn't mean the United States of America wants to see it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jay Leno: Well you know, you're the hip guy, the cool guy. That used to be me. But then you gotta do 14 minutes a night, every single night. Nobody's hip every single night.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jack Dahl: Sent here? What are you, a letter? Nobody sent you.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 3 Episode 10: "Late Show (Part 1)"

Garry Marshall: In 10 years, you're gonna be teaching comedy at a community college and you'll be falling asleep to the Late Show... with Jerry Seinfeld. You're circling failure in a rapidly declining orbit.
 • Rating: Unrated

Louie: Shit... there's not even enough time to jerk off.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Louie [after Housekeeping calls despite do not disturb sign]: Just don't clean here ever again.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Louie [on getting the best machine]: They're all the same. They're all made from the same Asian suffering. There's no difference
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Louie [on consumerism being a job]: You have to do research. You have to go on Amazon and read a really long review written by an insane person... who's been dead for months because he shot his wife and then himself after explaining to you that the remote is counterintuitive. It's got really small buttons on the remote he said before he murder-suicided his whole family.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Louie [on when Afghanistan kids find out about war] They find out. They find out when they ask, "How come Uncle Henry's head is gone now?"
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 9: "Looking for Liz; Lilly Changes"

Louie: You try to keep your kids safe and if you aren't doing it perfectly then why are you doing it at all? It's like this thing that starts to dawn on you. Like if my kids get in the car with me they have to buckle up. I'm not even starting this car until you buckle your seatbelts. And if we get in a taxi, it's fine. It's okay. Taxis are magic. Nobody dies. Just get in. Just go. I'm not diggin' in the seat for a belt. There's no way I'm blindly diggin' in to the Egyptian hepatitis and severed toes so you can put on your seatbelt. You gotta put on your own mask before helping the others. I'm not going through that. So, my kids get in a cab and they just hurdle through space at a speed determined by a profit motive of an exhausted man from another country where life is s**t cheap, where kids die all day and it's boring.
 • Rating: Unrated

Chloe: You can't just drift through life and hope that love is going to float into you like plankton into a whale's f*cking mouth.
 • Rating: Unrated

Louie: I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter. I mean, life isn't that long. Eighty some odd years. Buy some s**t. Use it. It breaks. Try to f**k somebody. Hope your s**ts don't hurt too bad. I'm 44 now - you start doing that math. And it's happy math now. Like, when you're in your 20s, you're like, 'how long will my life seem? I hope it's a nice long story and I hope like I feel I didn't die too soon. You get to your forties and you're like, 'I'm almost there, man. Alright! Yeah!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 8: "Dad"

GPS: Why are you being such a little p***y about this? He's your
father. It's not like he touched your d**k or anything.
 • Rating: Unrated

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