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If I get hit by lightning between here and the altar, which based on the day I've been having could very well happen, I want you to know that you're the love of my life.


Mike: Have you heard from Molly?
Joyce: I'm sure everything's fine. We left her with Victoria.
Mike: No disrespect Mrs. Flynn, but those two sentences don't go together.

The sound of my parents slapping their sweaty bodies together? It was like Satan clapping his hands.


I wanted a few soft ringlets around my face, not a head full of curly fries!


Hate is a powerful aphrodisiac. People say never go to bed angry? They don't know what they're missing.

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