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If I get hit by lightning between here and the altar, which based on the day I've been having could very well happen, I want you to know that you're the love of my life.

Mike: Have you heard from Molly?
Joyce: I'm sure everything's fine. We left her with Victoria.
Mike: No disrespect Mrs. Flynn, but those two sentences don't go together.

The sound of my parents slapping their sweaty bodies together? It was like Satan clapping his hands.

I wanted a few soft ringlets around my face, not a head full of curly fries!

Hate is a powerful aphrodisiac. People say never go to bed angry? They don't know what they're missing.


Molly: Why don't you stay with your mom tomorrow night?
Mike: For the same reason I don't chew on tinfoil or try to kiss bears.

I told that woman I loved her, laid my heart out for her, and she chopped it up like we were at Benihanas!


Molly: That reminds me, make sure Victoria wears a bra tomorrow.
Joyce: I'll try, but it's like trying to keep a hat on a dog.

I look like a portly James Bond. Double - X Seven.

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