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Mitzi: Your kid forgot his cereal. There's a surprise in every box. Spoiler alert: it's diabetes!

Jay we use this to get tables at restaurants, why can't we use it to get Manny a friend?

Gloria [about her body]

Haven't you ever seen an NBA game? Oh in your case I mean the WNBA.

Mitzi [to Phil]

We were great together, we spoke each other's language, we finished each other's balloon animals.


The librarian told me that one day I'll be a great catch.


I'm like a boxer before a fight, that's why I didn't have sex with Claire last night.


It's hard to have a relationship and a clown career. That's the reason there are so many single clowns.


Social networking or social not-working?


Claire: Hey how come you guys haven't accepted my friend requests?
Haley: I didn't know you were on Facebook.
Alex: Yeah you said it was only for teenagers or people who wanted to have affairs.

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