Can someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape!

Schmidt

Schmidt: Here's another tip, don't ask a guy out on a first date, on the least sexy holiday in America.
Jess: What are the sexiest holidays in America?
Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are the 4th of July, Independence day obviously. Women's history month, and Christmas.

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

Jess

Nick: I was sixteen! I have gotten a lot better!
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time when we were in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded minor. "Are you ok? Yea. Are you ok? Yea".

Let's let Winston turn on his black switch. And let his black light shine.

Schmidt

Jess: Why do we care about a crescent moon?
Winston: I don't know, but I'm gonna live there some day.

Schmidt: I get that. Your business is selling sex. You're a sex worker.
CeCe: You're an idiot.

When Nick leaves, I'm gonna call a plumber and just throw money at him while he works.

Schmidt

Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants!

Schmidt

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt

He smells of strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.

Nick

Nick: Has Jess not talked to you?
Paul: Oh yea, we've talked.
Nick: It's hard, it's really tricky. It's like, she's doesn't love you right, Paul that's not to say she might not fall in love with you later.
Paul. We talked about how we might have to drive you to the airport cause you're gonna miss your flight.
Nick: Yea, that's probably all you talked about so I'm joking.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Jess: I have to go out tonight, 'cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.
Schmidt: Twirly? Is that like horny?
Jess: I've got the dirty twirlies, Schmitdy!"