College Nick: You like rap music? Who's your favorite rapper.
College Schmidt: Brian Austin Green.

Schmidt: Here's another tip, don't ask a guy out on a first date, on the least sexy holiday in America.
Jess: What are the sexiest holidays in America?
Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are the 4th of July, Independence day obviously. Women's history month, and Christmas.

Winston, you've been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you're checking her out, otherwise you're a serial killer, which would explain a lot.

Schmidt

Nick: I was sixteen! I have gotten a lot better!
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time when we were in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded minor. "Are you ok? Yea. Are you ok? Yea".

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

Jess

Jess: Why do we care about a crescent moon?
Winston: I don't know, but I'm gonna live there some day.

Let's let Winston turn on his black switch. And let his black light shine.

Schmidt

When Nick leaves, I'm gonna call a plumber and just throw money at him while he works.

Schmidt

Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants!

Schmidt

Schmidt: I get that. Your business is selling sex. You're a sex worker.
CeCe: You're an idiot.

He smells of strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.

Nick

Nick: Has Jess not talked to you?
Paul: Oh yea, we've talked.
Nick: It's hard, it's really tricky. It's like, she's doesn't love you right, Paul that's not to say she might not fall in love with you later.
Paul. We talked about how we might have to drive you to the airport cause you're gonna miss your flight.
Nick: Yea, that's probably all you talked about so I'm joking.

New Girl Quotes

Beans are nothing but soggy nuts!

Schmidt

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick