Jess, you know what, I'll let you check my lost and found...got sizes zero through ten.

Schmidt

No! I can't call Spencer I haven't talked to him since he cheated on me with that ho! Actually, that's not fair. She might be a really nice ho.

Jess

So when I do the chicken dance I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It's more realistic.

Jess

I was going for like a hot farmer's daughter kind of thing, like, oh, I'm gonna go milk my cows.

Jess

Jess: $550 for the TV?! Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure, and this is as high as I'll go.
Pawnshop dude: You drew a smiley face.

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!

I really just want to get in there and ush this wedding in the face!

Winston

Schmidt: We don't want to be mean, we just don't want you to be yourself...in any way.
Jess: Okay. Suppress the Jess. Got it.

No teeth! You can't use prop teeth!

Nick

He's so soft, like a towel.

Jess

Rochelle? Fancy name. 'Rochelle', like a mermaid.

Jess

Jess: Who's that girl? It's Jess.
Nick: Did you just make up a theme song for yourself?

New Girl Quotes

You question my pajamas? You make me question our entire friendship!

Jess

Do not challenge me to a sex stand-off. I can channel all of my sexual energy into knitting. How do you think I made it through high school?

Jess