Jess, you know what, I'll let you check my lost and found...got sizes zero through ten.

Schmidt

No! I can't call Spencer I haven't talked to him since he cheated on me with that ho! Actually, that's not fair. She might be a really nice ho.

Jess

Rochelle? Fancy name. 'Rochelle', like a mermaid.

Jess

Jess: Who's that girl? It's Jess.
Nick: Did you just make up a theme song for yourself?

So when I do the chicken dance I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It's more realistic.

Jess

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!

I really just want to get in there and ush this wedding in the face!

Winston

Schmidt: We don't want to be mean, we just don't want you to be yourself...in any way.
Jess: Okay. Suppress the Jess. Got it.

No teeth! You can't use prop teeth!

Nick

He's so soft, like a towel.

Jess

Pink wine makes me slutty.

Jess

Cece: What's your stripper name?
Jess: Uh, Rebecca Johnson.
Cece: Your stripper name is Rebecca Johnson?
Jess: Boobies Johnson. Two Boobs Johnson.

New Girl Quotes

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

Jess