There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson--I lost a bet to Schmidt.

Nick

Schmidt: You consider me a sexy man, correct?
Jess: I don't know how to answer that question

Nick: Has Jess not talked to you?
Paul: Oh yea, we've talked.
Nick: It's hard, it's really tricky. It's like, she's doesn't love you right, Paul that's not to say she might not fall in love with you later.
Paul. We talked about how we might have to drive you to the airport cause you're gonna miss your flight.
Nick: Yea, that's probably all you talked about so I'm joking.

So, would you like to freak?

Jess

Yea! He has me...and our baby! And our other baby!

Jess

Nick: I don't get it. Is this bath water?
Schmidt: Might as well be; it's rosé.

Jess: Why does your bottom need to breathe?
Nick: It's like a plant. It needs sun and air.

I'm having a party tonight and I can't have him lying on the couch, wiping his tears with deli meat.

Jess

No teeth! You can't use prop teeth!

Nick

There's more to A Father's Love than just semen! Ew!

Jess

Burquas isn't you guys, is it?

Jess

Winston: Where are your eyes?
Students: On the tiger.

New Girl Quotes

Don't ask about the duffle bag, bitch!

Edgar's mom

Schmidt [to Cece, in a bikini]: Hey, you look awesome.
Cece: It's a Before-and-After for a Bolivian diet pill.
Schmidt: Elgatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.