Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

There are plenty of things to be down about--the deficit, air pollution in China, "The Hobbit" wasn't very good...

Schmidt

Don't laugh when they call him "responsible," they don't know why it's hilarious.

Schmidt

Maybe none of us should go to this funeral. The early buzz on this thing is it's gonna be a real drag.

Schmidt

My face touched the mustache of a corpse today, Bobby. I'm not afraid of you.

Schmidt

You can't outrun the Jewish!

Schmidt

Schmidt: Here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date--you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke, you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible.

Nick: Schmidt, I have to ask you a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them! Burn them all!

Please take that off, you look like a homeless pencil.

Schmidt

Shivrang's Aunt: Who is this?
Schmidt: I'm Gerard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I'm Schmidt.

I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.

Schmidt

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Nadia: Jew in the couch!
CeCe: Nadia, American manners!
Nadia: Sorry. Jew person in couch.
Schmidt: She's not wrong.