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New-girl

Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

There are plenty of things to be down about--the deficit, air pollution in China, "The Hobbit" wasn't very good...

Schmidt

Don't laugh when they call him "responsible," they don't know why it's hilarious.

Schmidt

Maybe none of us should go to this funeral. The early buzz on this thing is it's gonna be a real drag.

Schmidt

My face touched the mustache of a corpse today, Bobby. I'm not afraid of you.

Schmidt

You can't outrun the Jewish!

Schmidt

Schmidt: Here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date--you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke, you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible.

Nick: Schmidt, I have to ask you a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them! Burn them all!

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

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