Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.


If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, "Look at these two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.


Ten years? You guys are like Bert and Ernie.


I wish I knew what was going on in Nick's head. He's like a...grumpy mystery.


What happened to guys in this bar? Did they open a bus station next door?


Just remember, you caught him pleasuring himself to a mail-order steak catalog.


When did you become a Bond villain who can't afford to not live with roommates?


Jess: This is where Nick Miller grew up.
Nick: Except for the fall of '88 and the spring of '89--that was our "van year."

Jess: I didn't really know your dad, except for that one hour when I committed fraud with him.
Nick: That's all there is to know.

Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or somethng?


Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.


I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"