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New-girl

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.

Schmidt

If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, "Look at these two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.

Jess

Ten years? You guys are like Bert and Ernie.

Jess

I wish I knew what was going on in Nick's head. He's like a...grumpy mystery.

Jess

What happened to guys in this bar? Did they open a bus station next door?

Jess

Just remember, you caught him pleasuring himself to a mail-order steak catalog.

Jess

When did you become a Bond villain who can't afford to not live with roommates?

Jess

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

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