I protect my babies. This one got away, but I swear to you I will die before I see that happen again. I will keep you safe.


She looks rough for 23.


Larry: He's so new and like...happy.
Polly: Don't worry. Pete and I will f*ck that right up.

Maybe I could umpire women's softball. Then I could get laid!

Big Boo

You are aware that you just told an inmate in a prison that she should become a corrections officer. What the f*ck is wrong with you?


According to this aptitude test, uh, I should be a professional athlete, a park ranger or a correctional officer.


Larry: Dad, why did you bring us to a gay bath house?
Howard: It's a nice place. It's clean. A schvitz is a schvitz. [moaning from the others] I had a Groupon.
Larry: Aaaah.

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I made her come vaginally. Do you even know how hard that is to do? My point is...I don't even know what my point is anymore.


You know I can promise you that I've never been more saner than I am right now.


Aleida: How come you ain't in jail Luschek?
Luschek: I am in jail. Every f*ckin' day.

I was a demanding poochie. Do you guys tell us where we're going or do you hand out blindfolds when we land?


You live on a slippery slope, kid, but for some reason you keep doing rain dances. Good luck.


Orange is the New Black Quotes

Piper: I spent a lot of time wondering if it would matter if I died.
Nicky: In the macro sense, no. You're one Cheerio in the bulk box of life. But, you f*ckin' tickle me, so I think it would matter.

I like hot girls. And I like hot boys. I like hot people. What can I say? I'm shallow.