J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

You think you're better than me? With your rock hard abs and your dynamite areolas, well you're not.

J.D.

J.D.: My man Turk, is getting it daily and nightly and ever so rightly! Ah! What up, dogg!
J.D.'s narration: Once every 4.2 seconds a man says something stupid that a woman hears and punishes him for... luckily, this wasn't one of those times.
Carla: What did you just say?
J.D.: "What up...dogg?"

Lady: Love your Hairmet.
J.D.: Love yours!

Dr. Kelso: Perry: your lips, my ass.. they should meet.

Ketchup is for winners, Ted!

Dr. Kelso

(Panting) They're smart, they are organized...and they've got my keys!

Janitor

J.D.'s narration: I never really know what to say to Turk's stupid surgery buddies. But I'm getting better.
J.D.: So...how's surgery?
Todd: It rocks...but my bedroom, that's where I really operate! Am I right? Come on, show Todd some love!
J.D.'s narration: I hate showing Todd love

Lucy: You've never been to Maine and you were college roommates with Michael Bolton.
Cox: Yes and the latter fuels most of my anger.

Dr. Cox: All right, then. Mr. Tanaka here is fatiguing and he needs to be intubated. Any questions?
J.D.: Yeah, Turk has asked me to be his best man. You got any advice?

J.D.: I can't believe she called me "sir."
Turk: She called me "mister."
Carla: Maybe it's because you're bald?
Turk: I'm not bald - I shave my head.
Carla: Well, then, let it grow back.
Turk: Careful, honey!

Janitor: Hey, we solved your stupid game.
Troy: Yeah, we have been to the libary.
Janitor: ...'brary' Troy, library.

Scrubs Quotes

Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Kudos on the nice pooper.
Ron: Thank you.
J.D.: Mine's firm like mutton.
Ron: Lovely.