J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I'm sorry, son, I'd love to help you out, but I could give a horse's patootie about your floors.
Janitor: My floors are my children! I'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES!

You don't want to be a surgeon, Cole, it's boring and it sucks. It's the complete opposite of a water slide.

Turk

J.D.: I'll take the lead on this one.
Dr. Cox: It's all yours.
J.D.: Mr. Steel. First name, Man of...
Dr. Cox: You're done.

Ted: You are so beautiful.
Maggie: That was worth the wait! You are a stallion!

Cole: I already know what i'm going to call my surgical practice. Cole Cutz.
Turk: With a z?
Cole: That's right! Man, you gotta knock before you enter Cole's brain.

Jerry: When I was alive, I wish I had lived one day like he lives every day of his life.
J.D.: Dead people don't talk, Jerry.

J.D.: This plan is fool proof.
Dr. Cox: That is impossible. You two are involved.
Turk: We will see about that!
(Turk and J.D. crash into each other as they try to walk away)

Your sign doesn't say live dog groomer!

Carla

Elliot: How did that last time even start?
J.D.: I don't even remember. I just know I went to the door, and when I came back, you said I looked sexy holding a pizza.
Elliot: Oooh, you did

Jordan: (about Elliot) She has nice breasts.
Carla: They're real.
Jordan: No, they're not.
J.D.: Yeah, they are.
Jordan: They're not!

Lisa: Dr. Reid, we think it is lame that you give Keith preferential treatment. We're filing a complaint with Dr. Kelso.
Elliot: Oh, ok sure well you know what? You guys can tell Dr. Kelso whatever you want cause all he's gonna hear are the facts. I'm sleeping with Keith, he gets his schedule shifted and he gets the most interesting cases. Who wants 20 bucks? (The interns raise their hands) Well, that's not gonna work. I don't have that much money.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 4008 in total

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

J.D.: Will you tell me what Jake's fantasy was?
Elliot: Nope.
J.D.: Did it involve chains?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Whips?
Elliot: Mm-mm.
J.D.: Candle wax?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Role-playing?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Lasers?
Elliot: Mm-mm.
J.D.: Hamsters?
Elliot: Negative.
J.D.: Was he a Mexican apple thief?
Elliot: If only...

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