J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

[Turk is in Kelso's spot]
Dr. Kelso: Nice spot.
Turk: Yes, sir... it is.
Dr. Kelso: I usually try to get out here for lunch every day at 12:30.
Turk: You don't say...
Dr. Kelso: Yep. Every day. 12:30. For twenty-three years

Elliot: J.D. and I keep it superficial.
J.D.: Love the superficial. Dynamite teeth today!
Elliot: Oh thanks buddy!
J.D.: Sparkly.
Elliot: Yeah!

J.D.: Are your giblets warm?
Turk: Like a Christmas ham.
J.D.: Same...

Carla: Stupid jerk!
J.D.'s Narration: ...I never go to bed very, very mad...
Turk: Angry sex is awesome!

(To Elliot in the elevator) Hey, buddy! What's with the giant needle?


That dog just laughed at a pun.


Sean: J.D., it's no big deal. We both know that it wasn't about that. Well, you... you like Elliot.
J.D.: Sorry.
Sean: Don't sweat it.
J.D.: You're not pissed off? I'd be pissed off. Why aren't you pissed off?
Sean: I dunno. I guess I just... I don't see you as that much of a threat.
J.D.: Ohh... Cool.

J.D.: I love politics! Ask me anything!
J.D.'s narration: What are you doing?! You don't know anything about politics! You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks!
Kylie: Did you know only seventeen percent of people under the age of twenty-five voted last year?
J.D.: You can vote if you're under twenty-five?

Oh no, it's black Kojak and scary nurse-wife.


Molly: Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.
Elliot: Ohhh, I'm real scared, Molly, what'cha gonna-
Molly: Eyebrows.
J.D.: "Eyebrows." Like that's gonna make you-
Tears stream down Elliot's face.
J.D.: Elliot, come on, you can't be that insecure.
Elliot: Giant Adam's apple!
J.D.: I have to go.
J.D.'s Narration: Elliot's comment didn't bother me, because I'm proud of the body God gave me.

J.D.: Good news, friend. The doctor is in!
Mr. Winston: I asked for a newspaper, and they gave me a bunch of Judy Bloom books from Pediatrics.
J.D.: I don't know anything about those... You have to read "Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing," completely turned high school around for me!

Scrubs Quotes

... Turk, Turk, Turk, Turk. I can't talk right now! I'm at your wedding.


Doug: How long do I have to stay up here?
Janitor: Just until I finish pretending to read the newspaper. Hm! Apparently there was some sort of election held recently.