Check it, I put orange soda in my IV bag, I'm like a hamster yo.


J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play Horse in the driveway, and I'd always kick his ass.
J.D.: Can Christians say "ass" now? I have a friend - Pat Casey - he called his mom an ass once? She hit him in the face with an iron! He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.

J.D.: You have had an amazing life.
Mrs. Tanner: Good, then we agree. Now, aren't there other patients you need to be seeing?
J.D.: Me? No, no, I've been off for two hours

Janitor: So... You don't want to know the ending of something? I can relate to that.
Dr. Cox: What is that in your lap?
Janitor: Leonard! Half kitten, half monkey!

Plastic Surgeon: Okaaaaaaaaaaaay. So who wants what, bigger or smaller?
Carla: My fiancé would like to have his mole removed.
Plastic Surgeon: That? That's cute. It's like a tickle button.
Turk: No it's not. It needs to go away.

Spence: Hey, so, uh, when do people get to yell, like, "stat!" and stuff?
Carla: Kinda never.

Dr. Cox: Bottom line: We'll be bestest friends foreverest if you just keep your face out of my face.

J.D.: No seriously man, I want you to know if I ever need surgery again, I want you inside of me.
Turk: I wanna be the one inside you

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