Lady: Love your Hairmet.
J.D.: Love yours!

(To Turk) You'd make a pretty girl.


You know what, after I have sex five times with somebody, I...usually like to have the relationship talk... I know, I know it seems rushed, but, you have to understand, five times usually takes me anywhere between six months and seven years


Dr. Cox: Yeah, yeah. Look, Claudia: Just promise me you won't get too involved with your patient. Okay?
J.D.'s Narration: After getting more involved, I found out Mr. Marks's son was an air-traffic controller at a small private airport.

J.D.: And it's our dad, and he's ranting and raving because he's an office supply salesman and he can't find a paper clip in the entire house.
Dan: Meanwhile, he gets to work the next morning, and he realises he's got a million of 'em in the trunk of his car.

All day sucker my ass. Try twenty minutes.

Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: Still no talking in the bathroom, Newbie... You know what's weird?
J.D.: That you're allowed to talk?

Dr. Cox: You know, Paige is a silly name.
Paige: Perry's worse.

Dr. Cox: So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths - happy ending optional, his choice, not yours.
Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Cox: Not all of him.

Janitor: You rang. Lurch.
J.D.: Oh. Um. My stethoscope is stuck up there, and I need you to get it down for me.
Janitor: You put it up there.
J.D.: It's really neither here nor there.
Janitor: Fine. All right, we're even.
J.D.: Thank God.
Janitor: You know you could have just asked me to stop hassling you for, like, a year?
J.D.: Okay, I want that, then.
Janitor: It's too late

Todd: Well, seriously, why wouldn't you want a better job?
Turk: Hold up. My Baby's happy with being just a nurse. Did I say "Just a nurse"? I didn't mean "just a nur-". Nobody at this table said "just-". I meant: "A Nurse." Right, Baby?
Carla: That's right!
Todd: Why?
Dr. Cox: Oh, just not smart. Even for you.

Sorry, mom. It's just-it's gotten really awkward with this guy that I was seeing and... Yes, mom, 'Yay, I'm straight.' Look, I just, I don't know what to do; I mean, every time I see hm, I get so embarrassed, and... lonely, and... mortified. And I guess I was just hoping that you could... Um, about a hundred and fifteen pounds?... Fen-phen kills people, mom!... Because I'm a doctor, that's how I know

Elliot [on the phone]

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait, is she in to me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs.
J.D.: Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Neena: That's really funny!
J.D.'s Narration: Well that's not a fair test - that joke's hilarious.

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?