J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

J.D.: My man Turk, is getting it daily and nightly and ever so rightly! Ah! What up, dogg!
J.D.'s narration: Once every 4.2 seconds a man says something stupid that a woman hears and punishes him for... luckily, this wasn't one of those times.
Carla: What did you just say?
J.D.: "What up...dogg?"

Dr. Cox: Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He has me, an emotionally-crippled narcissist; and, he's got you, an emotionally-crippled narcissist who's soaking in a tub which by now has to be mostly your own urine.
Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.

J.D.: Excuse me, sir, do you have a second?
Dr. Kelso: Sport, what did I tell you about my open-door policy? I don't have one.

Ted: Trust me. The way I got my girlfriend in junior high was by getting her best friend to like me.
Janitor: And how'd you do that?
Ted: I posed as her dad so she could rent a car. I lost my hair in eighth grade.
Todd: Tough break five.

Dr. Tushy, you're needed in the OR. Nice name, buddy. Beat up in high school much?

</i>

J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I already knew exactly what the truth was. Plus, my best friend was always around to back me up.
J.D.: How funny is this joke: "That patient's tumor is so big, it's starting to look like a 'threemor'!" Heh heh heh...
Keith: "Threemor"! You are hilarious, Dr. D.!
Turk: Awful. Awful. Awful!

Elliot: So, Kylie looks like she's having fun.
J.D.: It's a front. She's miserable. So far the highlight of the night's been putting the possum to sleep and that's not a euphemism.
Elliot: J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job is an amazing turn-on for a girl. My dad's a doctor, and I remember how excited I was the first time I saw him work at the hospital. I mean, I didn't want to sleep with him, but there were definitely some complicated feelings. But that's totally normal for an 11-year-old, right?

Janitor: Hey, congratulations on becoming a resident. Glad I could help.
J.D.: Help!?! You were awful to me! You-you-you-you-Awful!
Janitor: Anyway: Go get 'em, Tiger. The world is your oyster, my frie

Elliot: And any drug use?
Mr. Phillips: Been on and off heroin for the last eight years, but I've been clean for the last six months. See? Look, no track marks.
Kid: Way to go, daddy!
Mr. Phillips: 'S my biggest fan!
Elliot: Heh. Umm... Do you smoke cigarettes?
Mr. Phillips: No way.
Elliot: Of course not. Those things'll kill ya.

Katie: Dr. Reid, I thought you gave a great endocrinology lecture today. Even though some of the other interns think you go off on personal tangents too much.
Elliot: Who?
Katie: Oh, I shouldn't say. Denise.

Jordan: Anyhoo. I'm thinking that you probably shouldn't come.
J.D.: Why not?
Dr. Cox: Because her whole family is in town.
Danni: Hey J.D.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh my god! What do you say to a girl you dumped three weeks ago?
J.D.: I destroyed that video tape we made.
Jordan: What tape?
J.D.: Now I'll never meet Bob Saggat.

Scrubs Quotes

J.D. [to Cox]: you won't admit this, but you're in love with Carla.
Carla: No, he's not.
Dr. Cox: Actually, I am.
Carla: You're starting again.
J.D.: And Carla, you're mad that Turk didn't trust you enough to tell you.
Turk: See? Trust, woman, trust!
J.D.: Whatever. The point is that Turk is sorry.
Turk: Not anymore!
Carla: I can't believe you thought he was a threat.
Dr. Cox: I'm a threat!
Carla: You're not in love with me, you idealize me.
J.D.: Can we just try and stay focused...
Turk: You're mad 'cause I'm scared of losing you?
Carla: Yes, because we're stronger than that!
Dr. Cox: Apparently not!

J.D.: My man Turk, is getting it daily and nightly and ever so rightly! Ah! What up, dogg!
J.D.'s narration: Once every 4.2 seconds a man says something stupid that a woman hears and punishes him for... luckily, this wasn't one of those times.
Carla: What did you just say?
J.D.: "What up...dogg?"