Dr. Cox: Did you actually just page me to find out how much tylenol to give to Mrs. Lensner?
J.D.: I was worried it could exasterbate the patient's...
Dr. Cox: Its regular strength tylenol. Here's what you do: Get her to open her mouth, take a handfull and throw it at her. Whatever sticks - that's the correct dosage

Dr. Cox: Pumpkin, that's modern medicine. Advances that keep people alive that should have died along time ago, back when they lost what made them people. Now your job is to stay sane enough so that when someone does come in that you actually can help, you're not so brain dead that you can't function-for the love of God, what?
J.D.: Its just... do you think we should be talking about this in front of her?
Dr. Cox: Her? She's dead. Write this down newbie, if you push around a stiff, nobody will ask you to do anything.
J.D.: You've been like a father to me.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough, you want some real advice? If they find out they nurses are doing your proceedures for you, your ass will be kicked out of here so fast it will make your head spin

J.D: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was just making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down

Dr. Cox: Why does this gomer got to try and die every day during my lunch!
J.D.: That's a little insensitive.
J.D.'s narration: Mistake.
Dr. Cox: The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla: Aw, so sweet.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is...
J.D.: What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox [leans in close to the patient]: Eisenhower...was a sissy. Dr. Cox [after no reaction, to J.D.]: I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk

J.D.: You know how I'm totally down with the rap music?
Turk: Dude, be whiter.
J.D.: Here's the thing: TuPac, DMX, Dr. Dre, in most of their songs, these artists use an extremely volatile racial slur...the "N" word.
Turk: I got it.
J.D.: Right. My question is this: If we're both singing along, and knowing that otherwise I would never use the word, am I allowed to say...
Turk: No.
J.D.: See, that's good for me to know. I didn't...I didn't know that

Elliot: So every male in my family is a doctor: My dad, my grand-dad and my brother. I guess that's why dad gave me a guy's name....made me play sports....date girls. I'm joking.
J.D.: I know. I would have laughed if you'd paused

J.D.: Turk practically had sex in the on call room.
Dr. Cox: You realise I have no idea who Turk is, but good for him! edit

Elliot: I just hate it. I hate the "darlins" I hate the "sweethearts" ...
Carla: You don't need to tell me how hard it is being a woman around here.
Elliot: Well, you're certainly furthering the cause by wearing a thong to work and hooking up in the on-call room. Word gets around.
Carla: You talk like that, do you even know my name? I spend every second of my life either here, or taking care of my mom. So, yeah, maybe I needed a little closeness. I'm sure you never had a quickie at the club, right? Or snuck some skinny, flat-butted college boy up to your sorority room. And my thong? I happen to think it makes my ass look good. And some days, I need to feel good about something around here. And you judge me? Well, guess what, word does get around, Miss "Out For Herself", so you can dump on everyone here if you want; but you will not hurt me.
J.D.: Her name's Carla, by the way

Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake, don't admit it to the patient. Of course, if the patient is deceased - and you're sure - you can feel free to tell him or her... anything

Ted
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