Scrubs

Scrubs "My Own American Girl" Quotes

Elliot: You're gonna give the patient the screening, and I'll tell you why. Remember that patient of mine you screwed up? Well, I'm going to tell him it was your fault and then I'm going to spend every waking second helping him figure out how to emotionally and financially bitchslap you even if the end result is that we both get our asses fired. Your move, Chuckles.
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: Janitor, have you ever looked at yourself and wished that you were different in every single way?
Janitor: No. I'm a winner.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: So, you're engaged to that surgeon guy?
Carla: Mm-hmm.
Ted: Is it serious?
Carla: No, Ted. We swing.
 • Rating: Unrated

Sean: Hey, Elliot! How you--how you doing?
Elliot: You look great! Except, the buzz-cut has kind of tapped into this recurring dream I have where my dad makes me marry this army colonel named Johnny Case who, as it turns out, already has a wife in the Philippines. Anyways, she and I become friends, but then she smothers him with her thighs and then frames me for it.
Sean: Well, yeah, I'm-I'm doing about the same, too.
 • Rating: Unrated

J.D.: I don't think you'll be having breakfast with us tomorrow.
Mrs. Farr: Why, am I going home tonight?
J.D.: No, the cook died.
 • Rating: Unrated

Laverne: You'll be okay, Marshmallow.
Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?
Laverne: Well, yeah... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jordan: Don't you love the outfit?
Dr. Cox: You know, I always wanted to be the father of a tiny gay sailor. Jordan, come on, we agreed that we would wait until he's quite a bit older before we started systematically ruining his life, right?... Right?
Jordan: I may have painted his toenails for funsies.
 • Rating: Unrated

Elliot: What are you doing in here!?
Janitor: It's...the men's room.
Elliot: I know! I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then...tried them, and found them...oddly comfortable...
 • Rating: Unrated

Janitor: No, I'm a winner. But, I will tell you something that my grandmother told me when I was a kid; even though at the time I thought she was my mother. She said, "Time spent wishing is time wasted." Now, she died shortly after that, and my sister - who actually was my mother - she never got over it. Neither did my brother-dad. But the point is this: If you want to be different, then be different!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mitchell: Carla, love to, really, but, it's already six and it's my son's birthday tonight.
Carla: How old is he?
Mitchell: He's ten.
Carla: And how long ago was that night that you told me you were single and you took me dancing?
Mitchell: Eight years. I'll see you in the patient's room.
 • Rating: Unrated

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