Dr. Kelso: Perry, great news: I managed to swing it so that you get to go over to the state pen. today and do the annual inmates' physicals!
Dr. Cox: Well, hell's bells, Bobbo, if you want to fire me, just do it!
Dr. Kelso: I would, but even though this room was quite crowded when you sucker-punched me, apparently nobody saw it happen.
Ted snickers under his breath and Kelso glares at him.
Ted: Uh, saw what happen, sir?

Carla: Mrs. Farr is still having acute abdominal pain.
Mrs. Farr: So, what's wrong with me, doctor?
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, good Lord, I have no idea. Okay, don't panic, just do what all doctors do in this situation and fake a page.
J.D.: Uh-oh. Got a Code 3 down the hall.
Mrs. Farr: What's that?
J.D.: Uhhh, Code 3? Not as bad as a Code 4, but a hell of a lot worse than a Code 2!

Dr. Cox: Ohh... Come on, Bob, I can't even remember the last time I saw my son, and you-you-you're a father, for God's sake; you understand, don't you?
Dr. Kelso: My son was recently kicked out of his Hari Krishna sect for being too much of a hippie, and is currently residing in the Portland subway system. The point, Perry, is that the only thing I care less about than my son... is your son. Have fun at the Big House.

J.D.: So, Dr. Cox, can you, uh, look at her chart?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, did you not see what just happened? Kelso is so far up my ass that I can taste Brylcreem in the back of my throat.

Carla: Well, he didn't know I was engaged, so he asked me out to a movie tonight.
Turk: Well, if he's paying, give a brother some Snow Caps!
Carla: Turk, why don't you ever get jealous?
Turk: Woman, look at me! How can someone with all of this here be jealous of any of that out there!

J.D.: Ahh, I cannot figure out what's wrong with Mrs. Farr. I gotta go ask Cox.
Turk: Why won't you ask me?
J.D.: You're a surgeon - you just cut people up, you don't actually know anything.
Turk: Oh, yeah.

Elliot: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around? I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?
Carla: No self-confidence.
Turk: You could be a baby sometimes.
J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you're upset.
Elliot: Rhetorical question, okay?

Carla: Hey. You guys know that unbelievably handsome new anesthesiologist?
J.D.: Yes.
Turk: No.
J.D.: No.

J.D.'s Narration: Elliot's unlucky streak continued with the head of the radiology department.
Elliot: Dr. Moyer. Uh, you told me my patient had colitis, and it turns out it was just traveler's diarrhea?
Dr. Moyer: So? Sounds like good news.
Elliot: Yeah... He took it as bad news, maybe 'cause of the unnecessary colonoscope I shoved three feet up his pooper?
Dr. Moyer: What do you want me to do?
Elliot: Uh, apologize to my patient and tell him it was your mistake, no big deal?
Dr. Moyer: Think I'm gonna pass on that one. See, I got you pegged as one of those spineless types that's not gonna cause me any trouble no matter what I do. So, thanks for stopping by, and don't forget your car door.
Elliot: I just didn't want it to get stolen, okay?

Turk: She wanted to come back and help. And I wasn't gonna let my baby be here all alone with all sorts of guys eyeballing her privates and whatnot.
Carla: If you can't muster up some sincere jealousy, don't even bother.

Sean: I thought you hated this place 'cause of that time you--you got sick here?
Elliot: You remember that?
Sean: Y-you got sick on my face...
Elliot: Oh, no, that wasn't the smoothies - you just said you thought you were falling in love with me, and sometimes when I get really uncomfortable I hurl.
Sean: I know, I get-I get a little, uh... gassy.

Elliot: Oh, my God! Isn't she beautiful! I mean, this car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low lately that I think it's worth it. Don't you?
Delivery Guy: I just deliver the cars.

Scrubs Season 3 Episode 1 Quotes

Oh, so you're going to sock me again. Good God, Perry, at a certain point you're just beating up an old man.

Dr. Kelso

Now, I would've never figured it out unless you guys had done the leg work. You four deserve all the credit, really... Mrs. Farr, Dr. Cox has saved the day! Don't ya just love it?

Dr. Cox