Scrubs Season 2 Episode 17: "My Own Private Practice Guy" Quotes
Pete: Once you learn the tricks, though, he's easier to deal with; you'll see.
J.D.: Tell me about it.
Pete: Yeah!
J.D.: No, no, I'm serious - tell me about it.
Pete: Oh! Ohh. Uh, well, you know when he gets on his rants, he gets all hyped up, his vein starts sticking out of his neck, and he starts yelling at ya - when he's done, just look at him, stare him right in the eye, and say, "I'm sorry, what were you saying?" I don't know why, but it works; trust me.
J.D.: No, I do. Now, how do you get him to stop calling you girl's names.
Pete: Girl's names?
J.D.: Oh. Nevermind.
Oh, hey, buddy! I was just thinking about you! Yeah, I was thinking how it might be real nice to have somebody around here who could help me out. You know, somebody I could call - oh, gosh - "My Resident"... and we'd do stuff together. You know, medical stuff. And it would just be peaches! But then it occurred to me that a guy who looked a hell of a lot like you used to be that guy. Monica! Just because you have a new buddy doesn't mean you can all of a sudden drop all your regular duties. And I know I just said "drop your duties," and, so help me God, if you even smile, I will crush you into two little newbie-cubes and hang you from rearview mirror.
Dr. Cox
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox? Look, I'm so sorry I lied to you last night. I should've just told you I was getting a beer with Pete.
Dr. Cox: Did we just slip into some alternate dimension where I actually give a flying ducky about what you say and do?
J.D.: Look, I know that he's in private practice and everything, but Pete's actually a really cool guy.
Dr. Cox: He is a bad guy; and Newbie, if you're smart, you'll stay away from him.
J.D.: Oh, my God! You're actually jealous that I'm hanging out with another doctor!
Dr. Cox: No, I'm not.
J.D.: Laverne?
Laverne: Jealous!
J.D.: Ta-DOW!
Elliot: Hi, Happy!
Carla: I'm hideous. I can't even get Todd to make a sex joke. Watch this.
Carla: Hey, Todd? I'm all out of the extra-long tongue depressors - do you happen to have one for me?
Todd: Sorry, Carla, I'm all out.
Elliot: How did he not say, "Yeah, in my pants?"
Forty million, son! Do you have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high score? People died!
Dr. Kelso
J.D.: So you're saying the Janitor's a nice person?
Elliot: He is such a sweetie!
J.D.: I'm gonna ask him an innocuous little question, and his answer will be filled with hate. Just filled with it!
J.D.: How's it goin'?
Janitor: Very well, sir! Thank you for asking! How are you?
J.D.: Do you not see the hate?
Pete: What's the deal, there, Alpha Dog? You ever gonna cut me some slack?
Dr. Cox: Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey...
Pete: Okay, good answer. Look, uh, I understand you're seeing Jordan again - I just wanted to tell you, seriously, good for you.
Dr. Cox: Would you like to know what would be seriously good for you?
Pete: More bran in my diet?
Pete: Perry, I can't change what already happened, but you gotta believe me - I never meant to come between you and anyone.
J.D.'s Narration: Watching Dr. Cox and Pete fight over me was - aw, hell, I'll say it: It was awesome!
Dr. Cox: You went ahead and took something that did not belong to you.
J.D.'s Narration: That seemed a little possessive... but I'm flattered!
Dr. Cox: And worse than that, you did it knowing full-well just exactly how I felt about her.
J.D.'s Narration: Ahh, he just wouldn't be Dr. Cox if he didn't refer to me as a 'her.'
Pete: Hey, for what it's worth, I didn't make the first move.
J.D.: That's a lie! You bought me a latte!
Turk: Say it!
Dr. Kelso: I'm your bitch.
Turk: Don't be too hard on yourself, sir! You only been playing this game for, like, fifty-six years!
Pete: Hey, hey! Jack Daniels! What's crackin'? Look, my hot cousin, her volleyball team has a game tonight - tall girls, tiny shorts - you in?
J.D.: Uhh, I think I'm gonna pass.
Pete: Ohh, I get it, all right - you're still in Perr-a-reeno's corner. But that's okay, buddy! Look, just a word to the wise, all right? Just be careful who you hitch your wagon to. I mean that. (he spies a hot nurse) Yikes! I gotta go, okay?... Hi! Could I buy you a house?
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: Still no talking in the bathroom, Newbie... You know what's weird?
J.D.: That you're allowed to talk?
