Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do wash once a year.


(to George) I don't know what your parents did to you.


I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, "Excuse me; I'm not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone "You can't talk to me like that!" (Jerry searches for the 'off' button on his mimed phone, and presses it feebly, in a comedic sort of way) "I told him!"


I'm lactose intolerant. I have no tolerance for lactose and I won't stand for it!


Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the commercial.
Jerry: (sarcastic) Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.

Jerry: Kramer, this is Donna.
Kramer: (snaps fingers) Cotton Dockers!

George: The light is blinking: "Come and listen to the idiot!"

"Coffee"'s not coffee, "coffee" is sex!


Carol: Would you like to come upstairs for coffee?George: No, thanks, I can't drink coffee late at night. It keeps me up.

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