Seinfeld

Seinfeld Quotes

Season 4 Episode 24: "The Pilot: Part 2"

Jerry: Did you ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves? I think when you name a baby Jeeves; you've pretty much mapped out his future. Not much chance he's gonna be a hitman. "Terribly sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to whack you."
 • Rating: Unrated

George: Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past, but we've got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins. They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange thing to do, to walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh.
TV Kramer: How'd you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?
 • Rating: Unrated

Calvin Klein: (about Jerry) I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.
Tia: But he picks his nose.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 23: "The Pilot: Part 1"

'Crazy' Joe: Good luck on the pilot Jerry...(smiles)
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

George: God would never let me be successful; he'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Therapist: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jerry: (to George) You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: I give up! I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Season 4 Episode 22: "The Handicap Spot"

Kramer: She's got everything I've ever wanted in another human being ... except for the walking.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kramer: Make sure we dont forget where the car is parked.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kramer: I love the name 'isosceles'. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: How about this: You put your car in the good spot. That'll hold the good spot in front of the good building and we can get the good car!
George: Good thinking.
Jerry: (shaking George's hand) Good to meet you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room.
Kramer: No, no. My car's not running.
(George comes out from the bathroom)
Jerry: What about your father's car?
George: No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighborhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move.
Jerry: Are you serious?
George: You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: (as George picks up a broken piece of his father's car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out...
 • Rating: Unrated

Maj-Jongg Lady: (referring to George) Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt.
Frank Costanza: No it isn't!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: Your father got arrested? What for?
George: Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.
 • Rating: Unrated

George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...
Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrent?
George: What if there's a fire?
Kramer: Now what are the chances of that?
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: Hey, what's going on?
Angry Woman: Some jerk parked in the handicap spot, so this woman in a wheel chair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave out, and she rolled backwards into the wall. They had to take her to St. Elizabeth's...
Jerry: Is she okay?
Angry Woman I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. He may not get out alive. Lazy bum! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay?
Jerry: Sons of bitches.
 • Rating: Unrated

George: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?
Jerry: The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and they're not there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?
Elaine: Well, they have to give up sometime, they can't stay out there all night.
Jerry: What are we, John Dillinger? I mean, how did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomsticks in her spokes and she went flying.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jerry: We'll give the keys to Elaine.
Elaine: Me?
Jerry: Yeah. You're a woman. Men won't hit a woman.
Elaine: Oh, they won't?
Jerry: Not if they don't know you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Salesman: This is our best model, the Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like, you're almost glad to be handicapped.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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