The Big Bang Theory
Thursdays 8:00 PM on CBSThe Big Bang Theory Quotes
Raj: Hey, look, I found an iPod!
Wolowitz: Smashed beyond repair—what are you going to do with it?
Raj: What else? Sell it on ebay as "slightly used"
Penny: I was just wondering if I could talk to you. It's about Leonard.
Sheldon: Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?
Penny: Well, Raj can't talk to me unless he is drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting
Leonard: Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny, I'm not excited, I'm nauseous.
Sheldon: Then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion
Penny: Maybe we should talk first.
Leonard: Okay, but before you say anything, have you ever heard of Schrödinger's cat?
Penny: Actually, I've heard far too much about Schrödinger's cat.
Leonard: Good.
[Leonard kisses Penny]
Penny: Alright, the cat's alive. Let's go to dinner
Leonard: I'm her friend, I'm not going to take advantage of her vulnerability.
Wolowitz: Wait, so you're saying that if in the depths of despair she throws herself at you and demands you take her right there, right now, you'll just walk away?
Leonard: I said I'm her friend, not her gay friend
Wolowitz [to a black nurse]: Okay, I get it. I know how the world works. [flashes a five] How about I introduce you to the man who freed your people?
Nurse: Unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers, you are wasting your time
Sheldon: Leonard made it very clear, he doesn't want a party.
Wolowitz: Did someone say party?
Penny: He just doesn't know he wants one because he never had one.
Wolowitz: I suppose that's possible, but for the record I've never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.
Penny: Howard here's a difference: the possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.
Wolowitz: Fine, if I do have a threesome you can't be part of it... I'm just kidding. Yes, you can. Can you bring a friend?
Penny: Well, Sheldon you are his friend. Friends give each other presents.
Sheldon: I accept your premise; I reject your conclusion.
Wolowitz [whispers]: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Wolowitz: Just do it.
Penny: It's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Ahh, fair enough.
Wolowitz: He came with a manual
Leonard: I don't celebrate my birthday.
Penny: Shut up. Yeah, you do.
Leonard: It's no big deal. It's just the way I was raised. My parents focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them
Leonard: How did you know my birthday's Saturday?
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember? I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who, in 1948, proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.
Penny: Blah, blah, a typical Taurus
Penny [on phone]: How about this, you keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Wolowitz: ... Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Wolowitz: Thy will be done
Raj: Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Raj: We Indians invented them. You're welcome.
Wolowitz: Yeah, well, my people invented circumcision
