The Office Season 5 Quotes
Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
Dwight
Holly: Can I have everyone's attention? Excuse me, may I have everyone's attention, please. We need to finish the ethics seminar.
Andy: No way, lady.
Kevin: It's a trap.
Holly: Everyone, please, I just need your signatures to show corporate that I gave you the training.
Meredith: Don't sign anything.
Michael: Ok, everybody listen up. If you are not in that conference room in two minutes I am going to kill you.
Stanley: It's a quarter to five and I have started to gather my things.
How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, "I told you so." Gently with a rose? In a funny way, like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go, because saying it would just make things worse? ... Probably the funny way.
Michael
It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me. And my best friend in the office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just hoping middle school was over.
Holly
Jim: [Dwight walks back to his desk] 19 minutes and 48 seconds. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds?
Dwight: None of your business.
Jim: So I guess I can assume that was personal.
Dwight: [Dwight stares at Angela, buttoning the top button of her blouse] Fine.
Jim: So maybe you're not completely ethical after all.
Dwight: Yes, maybe I'm not.
Jim: He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45 he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed, and I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I have been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today.
Michael: I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean, what sort of place is that to call home? And Meredith needs this job. This is her main source of money.
Holly: Well, that's very sweet but we have to follow the protocol. Those are the rules.
Michael: Ok, new idea. We don't report it at all. We just punish her.
Holly: We punish her?
Michael: Mmhmm, tell her she can't have sex for six months.
Holly: I don't think we could enforce that.
Michael: I don't know. I saw this thing, like a belt with a key.
Holly: A chastity belt.
Michael: No, it's more of a underwear garment that has little spikes like made of, sometimes they are made of metal. You know what I am talking about.
Today is ethics day. After they finish their quiz I'm going to run my first ethics meeting here. It's gonna be insaaaaane. No, it's not. I have to read from the binder.
Holly
[in a hospital bed] Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors.
Toby
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.
Andy
Ryan: Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community.
Jim: Well that's great. You're talking about your court ordered community service?
Ryan: I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.
Jim: But he did, right?
Ryan: All right.
Jim: All right.
I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.
Ryan
