The Office

The Office Season 5 Quotes

Season 5 Episode 28: "Company Picnic"

Jim: [on phone] Oh, Dwight, we're close! Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back... Okay... Okay, great. [goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are] Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs! Ohh!
 • Rating: Unrated

David: Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs.
Charles: Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay?
Dwight: Okay. Fine.
Charles: All right! Come on.
Dwight: Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?
Andy: Dwight.
Dwight: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?
David: Dwight.
Dwight: Seven? Can I finish please?
David: Okay.
Dwight: Eight?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Michael: I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jim: [on the phone] Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer... No, don't send in the subs yet... Dwight, I don't know. Think of something!
Nurse: To be safe, we should do an x-ray.
Pam: How long will that take?
Nurse: Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant...
Pam: I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to.
Nurse: Oh good, because my next question was "do you have a game to get back to."
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo.
Holly: Hindsight.
Michael: Should've had hindsight.
Holly: How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?
Michael: I think it went well. I think it was good.
Holly: There weren't any laughs.
Michael: No, it was a tough audience.
Holly: Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience.
Michael: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.
Holly: Well, I'm glad we did it.
Michael: Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.
Holly: I can't wait.
 • Rating: Unrated

Angela: Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?
Rolph: Here's an accounting question for you: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore.
Dwight: Okay, knock it off, Rolph.
 • Rating: Unrated

Meredith: Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances.
Dwight: Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.
Pam: How do you figure?
Dwight: Because if we don't play, then the other team wins.
Oscar: Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.
Pam: Let's do this.
 • Rating: Unrated

David: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?
Michael: Well... I didn't know they didn't know.
David: What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, "oh, this would be really funny."
Michael: Thank you.
David: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, "is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?"
Michael: Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Holly: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!
Michael: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!
Holly: That is correct!
Man from Buffalo: What is he talking about?
Holly: [pantomimes biting off Michael's fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?!
Michael: David Wallace told me!!
Woman from Buffalo: David, is this true?
David: Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today...
Man from Buffalo: Are we losing our jobs or not, David?
Holly: They didn't know?
Michael: I guess not.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stanley: I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful.
 • Rating: Unrated

David Wallace: [playing volleyball] Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!
Charles: Yes we are!
Rolph: You suckers are goin' down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
Dwight: Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait-
Rolph: It's true!
Toby: This reminds me of the HR convention last fall.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: We could do a movie... sort of thing.
Holly: [gasps] We could do Back to the Future.
Michael: Oh!
Holly: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents. [both laugh]
Michael: Could we get a Delorean?
Holly: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.
Michael: Oh! [to the theme of "Jaws"] Dun-der. Dun-der...
Holly: Dun-der. Dun-der...
Michael: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh]
Holly: Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet.
Michael: No. No.
Holly: Oh.
Michael: We're circling it.
Holly: Hmm...
 • Rating: Unrated

Kevin: [playing volleyball] I got it. [Kevin misses]
Dwight: Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!
Andy: Are you blind?!
Dwight: I could've gotten that, idiot!
Andy: Can you see things with your eyeballs?!
Dwight: It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?!
Phyllis: We've been out here for a while. I don't need this.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Andy: [playing volleyball, yelling at Erin] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns attention to a man on the other team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? ... I'm concerned you might be in danger.
Man: These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.
Andy: Okay, I was just looking out for you.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Michael: What is up with you two, Holly?
Holly: Um, not much.
AJ: We're designing a house.
Michael: Cool. For who?
AJ: For us.
Michael: Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported.
Holly: I remember your chair pants idea. [laughs]
AJ: I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist.
Michael: All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse.
Holly: Okay, yeah.
AJ: You guys are really gonna do this?
Michael: You bet your fat ass we are.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?
Jim: Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards.
Dwight: Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row!
Andy: Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row?
Dwight: Why? I don't understand.
Andy: If-
Dwight: Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it.
Andy: Uh... [laughs sheepishly]
Dwight: I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team.
Andy: That's...
Dwight: Sly dog.
Andy: ... not what I meant.
Dwight: Come on, folks!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charles: Jim. Pam.
Jim: Hey, how are you?
Pam: Hey Charles.
Charles: Nice day, huh?
Jim: Yeah.
Charles: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. [walks away]
Jim: I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.
Pam: Do you want me to beat him up for you?
Jim: No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The ... and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Kevin: Michael, isn't that Holly?
Michael: We're just friends.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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