Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX

Insurance Guy: Any valuables in the house?
Homer: Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars--
Insurance Guy: Sorry, this policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff.
Homer: Well that's just great!

Barney: What are these axes for?
Chief Wiggum: I dunno, chopping stuff.
Barney: Gotcha. (chops down the Simpson's mailbox)
Chief Wiggum: That's some nice choppin'.

You ducks are really trying my patience! But you're so cute!


Homer: Oh, the song. The song. (sings) When the fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn. Something something, then you'll see: You'll avoid catastrophe! D'oh!

Homer: No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whiz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, please pay for your services and get out and come again!

Please do not offer my god a peanut.


Marge: I'm going to ask you one last time. Are you sure you won't come with us to church?
TV Announcer: Coming up next: make your own ladder!
Homer: Very sure.

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Apu: You are on your honor not to steal anything.
Kearny: (lying and eating a box of cereal) Oh we won't.
Apu looks at them for a moment and then puts a little boy on the counter.
Apu: Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands.
Little Jamshed: Oh, how I have waited for this day. (whips out a shot gun and cocks it.)
Kearny's shocked as his mouth hangs open and he drops the box of cereal.

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