Jeff: What are you doing here Change and how do you know where I live?
Chang: I can answer both of those questions by returning your driver's license.

What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?


Pierce, take it from an expert. These people are just outside your heart. Let them in, before it's too late.


Oh Abed. Will your reality ever come out on Blu-Ray so we can enjoy it?


Jeff: Everyone wants you to shut up.
Britta: And yet I won't. Case in point.

I'm sorry Annie. I'm not the worker-bee type. I'm more of a silver back gorilla with the claws of a lion, the teeth of a shark and the quiet dignity of a tortoise.


Jeff: Don't kid a lawyer.
Annie: Well if I see one, I won't.

It's got to be better than wine tasting with Pierce. He refused to drink Pinot Noir because he thought it was French for "black penis."


Jeff: I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations. It's hard enough to find people you can stand in this life, let alone someone willing to stomach your imminent dementia and present incontinence.
Pierce: Thank you, Jeff. I just hope she can satisfy me. I'm like an insatiable baboon in the bedroom.
Jeff: Don't sell yourself short. You're a baboon everywhere.

Pierce: Who is the dumpling with the nice Asian pair?
Jeff: I think that's the first time sexism has made me hungry.

Pierce: If you knew what spooked me, you'd probably call me crazy and old.
Jeff: No one's going to call you, Pierce.

He also listens to the Barenaked Ladies. Go get their dumbasses to help you.


Community Quotes

Annie: The midterm dance will need a visual theme. Like, 'Let's blow off steam,' and it's trains!
Chang: I have an idea!
Annie: Chang, your last idea was to murder.

I need Purell for my brain.