Quick impression--waaaa. Who am I? You guys.


Britta: Jeff, why are people staring at you?
Jeff: Because they've never seen a man who's had sex before?

Pierce: If you knew what spooked me, you'd probably call me crazy and old.
Jeff: No one's going to call you, Pierce.

Pierce: Who is the dumpling with the nice Asian pair?
Jeff: I think that's the first time sexism has made me hungry.

Jeff: I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations. It's hard enough to find people you can stand in this life, let alone someone willing to stomach your imminent dementia and present incontinence.
Pierce: Thank you, Jeff. I just hope she can satisfy me. I'm like an insatiable baboon in the bedroom.
Jeff: Don't sell yourself short. You're a baboon everywhere.

It's got to be better than wine tasting with Pierce. He refused to drink Pinot Noir because he thought it was French for "black penis."


Jeff: Don't kid a lawyer.
Annie: Well if I see one, I won't.

I'm sorry Annie. I'm not the worker-bee type. I'm more of a silver back gorilla with the claws of a lion, the teeth of a shark and the quiet dignity of a tortoise.


Jeff: Everyone wants you to shut up.
Britta: And yet I won't. Case in point.

Oh Abed. Will your reality ever come out on Blu-Ray so we can enjoy it?


Pierce, take it from an expert. These people are just outside your heart. Let them in, before it's too late.


What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?


Community Quotes

Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.

Troy [reading the cake]

I need Purell for my brain.