On The Bachelor Season 19 Episode 1, Chris Soules, Iowa farmer, will begin his journey to find the woman of his dreams. The one who will be content to sit by his side as the soybeans grow.
Or ride on the back of his bike. Chris Soules in leather? YOWZA! (Plus 10!)
We will, of course, be cataloging his quest for love each week with our time-honored tradition of the +/- review! (But feel free to check out The Bachelor spoilers if you just can't wait!)
Ladies, let the crazy begin!
Chris Soules just can't believe that HE is the new bachelor! You guys! He can't believe it. This "doesn't happen to normal guys" like him.
Side-eye, Soules. Now take your shirt off.
Tight-fitting short sleeves are close enough for now. Plus 8. And his tractor's kind of sexy. (Promise that joke is only happening 2940 more times this season.)
Oooh! Biceps! Plus 4.
"Love is a lot like farming. You plant a seed, you hope it grows. Sometimes the weather isn't always on your side. But with a little luck, something beautiful can come from it."
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our new "for all the right reasons." Minus 13.
Does this family own the entire state of Iowa? How big is this farm? (6,000 acres. Approximately.)
Arlington, Iowa has about 400 people, so there aren't many opportunities for Chris to find love when he knows or is related to everyone who lives there.
"There just aren't enough women in Arlington" followed by "It would take years to meet 25 different women." Poor Chris!
Luckily, ABC is all about bringing the entire world to him.
To "prepare" for all these women, he brought...Cody from Chicago to train him.
Look, being hot is a prerequisite for this show. I get that. But this is probably the first time a contestant (who was already fit and hot) has said he's actively training to be The Bachelor. Minus 18.
The first girl of the episode is Britt from LA. She's single and lonely and didn't have sex with her last boyfriend. At all. But she's touchy feely and stands on a corner holding up a sign that says "Free Hugs."
She's going on this show to meet Chris who is "such a good guy." Because she knows him from seeing him on TV.
Across the country, we have Jillian, 25, who is a national news producer and...gymnast? Oh...uhhh. She's a deadlifter and super competitive.
She's beautiful, but no way can she leave D.C. for Arlington.
Ballet instructor Amanda is 24. She's "f*cking crazy," doesn't like paying bills, doesn't cook, and doesn't like cleaning.
Bwahahaha. What else does she think she's going to do as the wife of a farmer? Minus 25.
Whitney is a fertility nurse who loves helping others complete their families. She has a toy-sized dog and feels pretty comfortable making some pigs and chickens and cows and apparently doesn't know that's not what Chris farms.
McKenzie, 21, has a son named Kale. Chris is "hot, mature...like a grown-up" and that's what she wants. Minus 10 for that whole "like a grown-up" thing.
Alissa is a flight attendant from New Jersey. There's probably an airport in Iowa, so maybe she can get transferred there.
Minus 25 to her for that "for all the right reasons" reference. Let's let that one die, okay?
Kelsey is a school counselor from Texas, so she's used to vast expanses of land and she's grounded and good with kids. She's also a widow. Her husband's heart stopped while he was walking to work one morning.
Her greatest hope is to fall in love with Chris and have him fall in love with her.
There are more people in a square mile of Los Angeles than in his entire county back home.
OOH! SHIRTLESS CHRIS SIGHTING! Plus 45. It's surprising they didn't make him wax.
Trying on suits is "mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting."
Ugh. Chris said "for the right reasons." Booo! Minus 8.
A year ago, Chris walked into the Casa as a contestant and now he's the Bachelor. He wants to spend as much time with the women as possible. That's "what he needs."
Oooh! Shirtless Chris showering outside! Plus 30.
Here come the limos full of ladies! The champagne is already flowing. This is going to be epic.
Amanda the ballet teacher calls Chris's smile "a panty dropper." She is, presumably, sober upon saying such.
Britt the waitress is the first out of the limo. I covet her hair like WHOA. She and Chris hug for an eternity. (Seriously, I rewound and counted. It clocked in at 15 seconds.)
She starts crying a little and then gushing about how much she likes him then hands him a note and tells him he has to promise to come find her so she can explain. Oh dear.
The note says "free hug from Britt."
Whitney gets out of the limo and says "I made it!" like he's just been waiting for her for a while. She's been watching this show since high school and while there were great guys before him, she wouldn't be there if he weren't the bachelor. But...she wouldn't know it was him before auditioning, would she?
Kelsey is the next one out. When he says he's just a regular guy and there's no need to be nervous, she says she's just a regular girl.
Megan, a make-up artist from Nashville, steps out next. They share a couple of hugs and she goes walking in. She...has blue eyes? That's the only notable thing they shared.
Ashley I. is a freelance journalist who is, like every other woman, "so glad it's you." Meaning Chris, of course. Minus 5 for every time we hear that moving forward.
Trina looks amazing in her cocktail dress and she is appropriately spray-tanned for the occasion. She tells him to come find her.
Reegan, a cadaver tissue saleswoman, brings Chris a biohazard cooler with....a bloody, fake heart in it. A "gift from the heart." Minus 12.
Tara, a sports fishing enthusiast, shows up to the cocktail party in cutoff shorts and cowboy boots. That'll make her stand out in the crowd. Plus 15.
All the other women seem pissed she's dressed in shorts and boots and definitely judge her. Minus 32 for all of them. She changes into a cocktail dress while Chris meets the rest of the women and then sneaks back out to meet him again.
Now the women seem to approve of her. Bah. What a bunch of jerks.
Instead of introducing herself by stepping out of the limo, Amanda the ballet teacher sends over a note telling him to turn around and close his eyes. She's going to be his secret admirer this season. Minus 18 for being dumb. That was dumb.
Jillian works out. Mackenzie seems like a fish out of water. A very awkward fish.
Ashley S. is a hair stylist from Brooklyn, NY who gives Chris a lucky penny she found at the airport and puts it in Chris' shoe. She never once blinks her eyes. Not a single time. Her eyelids might be Botoxed open.
Kaitlyn is a dance instructor and seems marginally more settled than Amanda. She opens with "I know you're Chris. I know you're a farmer. And you can plow the f*ck out of my field any day."
Minus 48. I take back my previous statement about how she's marginally more settled. She totally isn't.
The dancers aren't long for this world.
After meeting 15 of the women, Chris Harrison tells Chris Soules to go in and meet the women. Ashley S. still can't blink.
When everyone is speechless, Kaitlyn offers to tell a joke to break the ice. Chris Soules stops her from embarrassing him again. Plus 8.
Then she tells another inappropriate joke.
"Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?"
"Because he wanted to find a tight seal."
Tara asks "Kait, are you a tight seal?" And Kait replies "duh..." Okay then. Minus 18.
Ashley S. still can't blink, and now she's drunk. Megan is also drunk and she didn't even get Kaitlyn's joke saying "something's not clicking up here" and pointing at her head.
Britt gets the first time with Chris and everyone is still so confused about why there are only 15 women in the room.
She says that girlfriends and wives are safe havens, like hugs, and she wants to be the one that he gives a hug to. Chris feels like she really speaks to his soul when she's talking. He's smitten. She'll stick around for a while. (Also she has great, great hair.) Plus 10.
They want to kiss so bad but they don't.
The women are all still very confused about there aren't more women there. WHY DO THEY CARE!? Less competition is better, ladies!
Chris Harrison brings out the first impression rose. Ashley S. still doesn't blink and her hair is falling.
Whitney tells Chris that she needs to get something off her chest. "I make babies every day." Then she asks him if they inseminate hogs. He does not, but people do...
They both love making babies. LOVE CONNECTION?
She says at least 4 times that she's very excited to be there. He's very excited to have her there.
Fresh off a trip where she scaled Machu Pichu, a beautiful brunette (Nikki, maybe?) gives Chris a heart-shaped rock she found on her climb.
Chris finds his secret admirer, Amanda, who just wants to say "you're super hot!"
She believes in making eye contact, which is easy for her because hers are enormous. So enormous the other women point it out to each other.
And now it's time for Round Two. Chris Harrison steals Chris Soules and takes him back out front so that he can meet more ladies, just when he thought no more were coming.
Samantha is the first out of the limo. This second round of women are coming in after the others have been drinking for THREE HOURS. Oooooh, drama.
Kaitlyn is at least drinking coffee and not booze. Maybe tea? Won't stop her from telling inappropriate jokes.
Michelle is a wedding cake decorator and her dress is beautiful and fun. Juelia is gorgeous, and so is Becca. Plus 10 for the cool, sparkly jumpsuit. Or maybe that's a dress? It's cute.
Round One women are so, so very insecure.
Tandra makes her entrance on a motorcycle in an evening gown. She earns super points with Chris for that. Plus 10.
Alissa the flight attendant straps him in for the bumpy ride with an airline seatbelt. Jordan brings him whiskey and they do a shot together.
Nicole steps out with a pig nose on her face, again missing the memo that...oh wait. She wanted to "ham it up" for him. Dumb.
"See you inside," Chris says. "Oink oink," she replies.
Brittany shows up in a white lace doily. Or maybe it's an ice skating outfit? It's...see through? But not? Weird. Minus 10.
Carly sings his introduction with a pink karaoke machine. Minus 8.
"What is she singing?" one girl whispers. "I don't know, but I think she's going to get eliminated" replies another.
Ashley S. CAN blink. Plus 2.
And here comes ANOTHER LIMO.
"This is starting to get ridiculous." --Chris Soules. STARTING? Where have you been, Farmer boy!?
Tracy is a fourth grade teacher who left her class in the middle of the school year to come on the show.
Bo, Kimberly, and Kara (Kara-cray to her friends and family, which should be a sign) are joined by Jade in the final limo. Jade is a cosmetics developer.
Chris Harrison bangs the gavel. All the women are in the house. The First Impression rose is still on the table and Chris Soules has more women to met. He's so overwhelmed he says it twice.
Kaitlyn gets some time with Chris and she teaches him to dance. He pretends he doesn't know what she meant by "plow my field any time." Oh, Chris. Plus 3 for pretending to be so innocent.
The women start stealing Chris from one another getting cutthroat about his attention.
No, really. Aggressive. Ashley S. tells the other women that some of the have been trying to talk to him all night and "you girls came in and..." Jealousy looks good on no one, FYI.
He keeps making the rounds and they keep cutting in. Chris wishes he were a polygamist. But for that to work, the other women would have to also be into having sister wives and none of them seem game for that.
Ashley S. says that people are like onions and you cut them. And when you cut them, you peel them back layer by layer. She's so, so drunk. SO DRUNK. Minus 8.
(Tara is drunk too and calls herself a train wreck.)
She gives the girl in the lace dress a yellow rose and says it's her turn. She's still barely blinking. She wants to ride a horse in a sunflower field and invites Megan into their conversation.
Mackenzie tries to be really interested in what Chris grows on his farm and when he says alfalfa, she asks if it's organic. He looks confused.
Chris gives Britt the First Impression Rose! Plus 18. She says she would give one back to him if she had one to give him. THEN HE KISSES HER! Plus 40.
All the other women hate her instantly because she has the rose. They don't even know about the kiss yet, but they'll definitely hate her after that.
But at least they'll have a Rose Ceremony to keep them from finding out until next week. It's time for Chris Soules to send some women home. Chris Harrison asks if he knows them well enough to make a decision and Farmer Chris says he's going with his gut. Attaboy, Soules.
Receiving a rose tonight and sticking around for this love journey will be:
- Britt (First Impression rose)
- Ashley I.
And now Chris has to take a break from the Rose Ceremony because Tara is D-RUNK and ridiculous. Or he's "nervous." Oh, no, it's Tara. He needed to powwow with Chris Harrison about Tara's behavior and whether or not she deserves a second chance.
So now he's back. And we're back.
- Ashley S.
It's back to the real world for Reegan, the cadaver tissue saleswoman, Brittany, Michelle, Amanda the ballet teacher who doesn't cook or clean, Bo, the plus-sized model, Kara (Kara-cray), Kimberly, and Nicole.
But maybe NOT Kimberly. That, of course, will have to wait until next week.
EPISODE TOTAL: -24 SEASON TOTAL: -24
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Miranda Wicker is a Staff Writer for TV Fanatic. Follow her on Twitter.