Chris Soules wants the world to know that he's looking for love and if this doesn't work for him, he's just going to have to question everything he's ever known about his 33 years on Earth. Or something slightly less overwrought and dramatic than that.
On The Bachelor Season 19 Episode 4, Farmer Chris will send one lovely lady packing mid-date. You can check out The Bachelor spoilers to find out who it is or just keep on reading as we recap all the awkward in gory, +/- detail.
No one knows Chris better than the women in his life, and by women, we definitely mean his sisters. They'll be choosing which of the women get a one-on-one date with Chris this week. But first! Group date.
Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey get a group date with Chris, and the card says "let's do what feels natural."
Which prompts Ashley I. to put in hair extensions. Minus 18.
He's taken them all to the lake for a little swimming and beach volleyball and of course none of them hesitate to strip off their skimpy coverups. And bikinis.
Virgin Ashley I. and dance instructor Kaitlyn decide to do some skinny dipping. Ashley drops her top and Kaitlyn drops her bottom and Kelsey's ready to go home. Can't say I blame her at all.
Back at the mansion, Chris' sisters show up and Carly answers the door. Jillian's asleep outside with her butt hanging out of her bikini.
What is it with these girls?
Jillian says this wouldn't be the way she'd want to present herself for her first meeting with potential in-laws. Well, geez, child. Maybe she should've thought about not going outside in a tiny bikini and falling asleep when they were coming over. Minus 10.
Whitney gets the sisters alone first and gets to chat with them about her relationship with their brother. Most of the girls feel like they knock it out of the park, but Jade's a little more reserved. She's a little more reserved in general, so meh.
Back at the lake, Chris and the girls are playing...Red Rover. Yep. Red. Rover. Minus 8. Except Kelsey. She's totally not enjoying herself at all. And now Chris is telling them they're going to spend the night there camping. Kelsey is totally not okay with this you guys.
The girls have to put up their own tents. In their bikinis. Megan and Kaitlyn's tent goes up first. Ashley I. and MacKenzie are the last ones to get their tent up and that's at least partly because Ashley I. can't keep her boobs in her top.
Out of context quote of the night and proof that punctuation matters: "I'm here for Chris...I want him to be like my grandpa." Add two little commas around that "like" and suddenly things take a very different turn.
Back at the house, Jade gets the one on one date card. And Chris doesn't know she's coming. That's pretty cute. Plus 9.
At some point on this camping trip, these girls took time to get glammed up again. Or some of them did. Like Ashley I. She's in a full face of make up with her giant fiber lashes. What a strange one.
Kaitlyn gets some time alone with Chris and wants to know what it is that makes him tick. That's what makes her happy. Not gifts. Just knowing. Talking. He loves random back rubs and he's touchy feely. She also doesn't like that Kelsey pouts when she's with the girls and turns on the charm when Chris is around.
None of the other girls like that about her either.
Ashley S. either started taking shots or she's just on that natural Ashley S. high. Mackenzie's asking about aliens again. Kaitlyn is having the time of her life people watching. So am I. Plus 4.
Ashley S. declares her love for Chris and says she hopes that resonates within his mind tonight. Props to that guy for not laughing in her face.
Ashley I., putting on LIPSTICK, says tonight's her night to show Chris who she really is. They start kissing and if she does that thing where she pulls him back on top of her again, she's losing 50 points. So far, so good, but she's still weird as hell.
Kaitlyn gets the date rose. Plus 20. She's the most normal and in her element one there.
Ashley I. decides to take MORE time with Chris just so she can hint to him that she's a virgin and has never had a boyfriend because those are the things that really matter.
She sneaks over to his tent to tell him "I am frickin innocent." Then she also tells him she's a "frickin nerd" and "inexperienced in every way possible." But she never comes out and says she's a virgin. He's half asleep and doesn't get it.
The next day, the camping girls find out that Jade got the one on one date and Ashley I. immediately launches in to how that should have been her date and she's a hopeless romantic and a Disney princess and SHUT UP ALREADY. Minus 13.
A hair and makeup and costume crew show up to transform her into a princess for her date with Chris. It's like something out of The Hunger Games.
Jade gets to keep a pair of Louboutin's and Neil Lane diamond earrings. Plus 32. That doesn't suck at all. Neither does the Rolls Royce that picks her up out front.
Dumb scene of Chris practicing ballroom dancing--TERRIBLY--by himself. Minus 15.
Now begins the portion of the evening which becomes a commercial for the upcoming live-action Cinderella, which, hey, I'm excited to see, but for crying out loud. How many times are they going to say Cinderella in this segment?
She's unassuming and kind of adorable with him. When he asks about her life, she leads with the fact that she was engaged at 21 but everything happens for a reason. He was engaged too, so he gets it. Plus 11
Back at the house, Ashley I. busts out the ball gown she brought specifically for a princess-themed date and Kaitlyn makes fun of her. So does the rest of America while she eats her corn on the cob and drinks her wine. (Totally scripted moment, btw. Totally.)
Jade and Chris are hitting it off and having a good time talking. She gets the date rose. Plus 10.
He has "one more surprise" and my money's on....private band. Yep! An orchestra just for them. They dance and watch the ballroom dancing scene from Cinderella and Jade says it feels like they're "right there in the ballroom with them." Because they sort of are.
If she drops a Loub on the carpet I'm going to puke.
Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca get a date card from Chris that says "let's get dirty." And there are giant white boxes, one for each of them outside.
Wedding dresses. Plus 4
They get dressed and get on a plane and go to.....San Francisco. For a mud run. The Muckfest M.S. to benefit the M.S. Society. And they're running/climbing/crawling/jumping in white wedding dresses.
The winner gets a one-on-one.
Jillian has her game face on but Britt is neck and neck with her. Or maybe that's Becca. Jillian smoked 'em all. Britt came in second.
When they sit down for dinner, talk is immediately awkward. Then Chris asks what her five-year plan is and Jillian says "planning is limiting" so she won't give him an answer. Because she can't. She doesn't have a plan. But she does have a lot of words and she's trying to say them all. Minus 8
She talks and talks and talks and thanks to closed captioning I know she says "I'm always training. I'm always in the gym."
Jillian is still talking, asking if she has "sh*t" in her teeth and going off of crazy hypothetical questions like whether Chris would rather abstain from sex for five years or have sex with a homeless woman. Yeah. That happened. Minus 22.
He picks up the rose and says "obviously there's this..." and tries to placate her with some compliments before saying they have no chemistry and their goals aren't aligned. She says she's just nervous. He says his gut says she's gotta go.
So now she's crying because she shared her heart with him, apparently? By telling him all about her fitness competitions and her dirty sense of humor.
Plus 25 to Chris for sending her home. Minus 5 for the cheesy camera shots of him on the roof with the rose.
It's cocktail party time! The ladies are getting primped and primed and they're ready for a party. Ashley I. is still wearing her princess dress. Minus 3
Megan blindfolds Chris and feeds him chocolate dipped fruit. Kind of silly.
Ashley I. is still hung up on this being a virgin thing and does he know, so she grabs him and pulls him off to a private area to ask him what he thought of their conversation. He didn't really have a clue what she was talking about so she just blurts it out and then says "some people guess it and some people don't."
WHO GUESSES THAT? And why is this such a big deal? Afterward she's freaking out about how he responded and the fact that he didn't kiss her and she's crying and for the love. Just shut this girl up and send her home already. Minus 4.
As Ashley I. is making a giant deal about her virginity and telling all the girls, Becca's like "yeah, me too. NBD." That's how it's done, Ashley. That's how it's done. Plus 23
Britt doesn't know if she's safe--again--and wants to know where she stands with him--again. She's having a really hard time with he fact that Kaitlyn and Ashley I. skinny dipped on the camping date and the talk of sex and Britt wants to know "why those actions have been validated."
Chris sort of hems and haws and then says he sees two sides and tries not to talk about his relationship with Kaitlyn with Britt and stumbles through saying he's not rewarding inappropriate behavior.
He says he's putting his heart and soul into this and he appreciates her honesty. Then he gets up and walks away. He's pretty frustrated with the conversation.
He calls group meeting to tell the women he's there for the right reasons and to find a wife and if anyone questions his integrity, they're free to leave.
And now it's time for the rose ceremony. Kaitlyn and Jade are safe. Joining them for another week:
- Ashley I.
Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S. are out. Chris looks like he could puke. He's pretty broken up about sending Juelia home and asks to walk her outside. He's even nice when he's breaking someone's heart and putting her in a limo to leave.
Half the other girls are crying too.
EPISODE TOTAL: 31 SEASON TOTAL: -104
Next week The Bachelor hits the road to head to Santa Fe and someone's heading to the hospital. We'll be sure to watch The Bachelor online to catch it all.
Miranda Wicker is a Staff Writer for TV Fanatic. Follow her on Twitter.