Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 5 Review: Cold Feet

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Are Tom and Katie going to make it down the aisle? Is Lala sleeping with someone who already did?

These are valid questions raised during Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 5.

Lisa Offers Advice - Vanderpump Rules

Katie and Schwartz went to (and fought at) their wedding location. Is she going to get his opinion on anything about this wedding? It seems like he is paying for at least some of it (with what income, I don't know) and should have a little bit of a say.

I'm worried Katie is going to want a Lisa Vanderpump wedding on a Tom and Katie budget.

Tom Schwartz

More importantly, what is woodsy elegant? I think that's basically planning a wedding in the woods and doing everything you can to make it seem like you're not in the woods.

How did we meet? I think we just got drunk and had sex.

Tom Schwartz

I feel bad for their wedding planner.

Wedding planner: Have you thought about how you're going to pair everyone?
Tom Schwartz: Make Jax walk with all of the girls he has slept with at once?
Katie: That would be half of my bridal party.
Tom Schwartz: Jax will probably try to sleep with you, just to give you a heads up.

Lala trying to convince Lisa that she isn't sleeping with a married man is about as convincing as James trying to say he didn't sleep with GG. No one on this show has ever told the truth about who they are sleeping with.

Jax is forced to apologize to the other bartenders for being late to work. It's cute when they pretend that they still work at SUR.

Tom Sandoval and Ariana are actually super adorable this season. I'm more shocked about that than the fact that he valets his bike.

They desperately need to leave the apartment he shared with Kristen (and those random twins) though.

Lala goes on a hike with her friends and they all agree they would have sex with men for shoes. It's like the Sisterhood Of The Traveling STDs.

The fact that Ellie took a picture of herself in bed with James because she knew he would lie about it says everything you need to know about DJ James Kennedy. He should add "Before He Cheats" to his DJ set.

The only thing less surprising than James cheating on his girlfriend with multiple women is Jax trying to expose it. His DJ James impression was pretty great though.

I'm playing at your local Applebee's, come and check me out.

Jax

The editors deserve an Emmy for the montage of Kristen punching people in the face. And for showing the DJ that replaced James at SUR.

Shoutout to Scheana for asking the important questions.

What are these, like, mid-thirty year old women doing with a fucking douchebag 24-year-old DJ?

Scheana

But it's *former DJ.

Ellie says she took a picture to prove to everyone that she slept with James when he had a girlfriend because she knew he would lie. Or because she knew it would get her on the show.

I'm a little confused about the timeline here. Ellie's picture is from March and was supposedly only a month ago, but Katie says she is three months away from her (August) wedding. I'm also confused about how a joke about buying a Porsche instead of a wedding resulted in Katie storming away from Schwartz.

Katie: Let's talk about how your dick doesn't work!
Schwartz: Whaaat? My dick works great.

I think I miss Kristen and Stassi being roommates more than Kristen does. 

Stassi says that Lala's boyfriend's wife (say that ten times fast) found out he was cheating on her with Lala from sex tape videos on her phone.

Woman of America stop recording yourself having sex. It always gets out there. This is my PSA.

Stassi

You really couldn't write this show even if you tried. Someone should write an official PSA for Stassi to deliver to high schools all over the country though.

James thinks that Ellie photoshopped the picture, and it's time to get ready for another season of arguing over how to alter photos.

You can relive all of the madness and catch up on old episodes if you watch Vanderpump Rules online via TV Fanatic.

Cold Feet Review

Editor Rating: 4.0 / 5.0
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Sarah Hearon is a staff writer for TV Fanatic. Follow her on Twitter.

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Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 5 Quotes

How did we meet? I think we just got drunk and had sex.

Tom Schwartz

I'm worried Katie is going to want a Lisa Vanderpump wedding on a Tom and Katie budget.

Tom Schwartz