Abed: Everyone be perfectly sincere. Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm.
Jeff: Wow. Somewhere out there Tim Burton just got a boner.

Abed: Fair warning, guys. A journey through winter wonderland tends to test your commitment to Christmas. So when I say test, I mean Wonka-style. I'm talking dark. My advice: Stay honest, stay alert, and for the love of God, stay between the gumdrops.

Abed: If I can find the meaning of Christmas, everything will go back to normal.
Jeff: Asterisk.

Abed: They were making out.
Britta: Abed!
Jeff: Why would you say that?
Abed: Why would you do it in front of me? I'm not a coat rack.

Guy in bar: What is wrong with you that you can sit here this whole time and never pick up on the fact that a man is hitting on you.
Abed: Oh I actually did pick up on it after a while.
Guy: And?
Abed: I just like talking about Farscape.

Jeff: I'm proud of Annie. She took to deception like Abed took to Cougar Town.
Abed: It's good.

You can't be in here Leonard. You already have three farting strikes against you.

Abed: Welcome to Funkytown. No smoking, no farting, no pillow fighting.
Annie: We're in a chase!
Abed: That's allowed.

If I could just take a moment to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I wanna say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd have to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream, best friend medal, anything?

Britta: It's called a Muffin Top, Abed.
Abed: Like a muffin. Clever.

It's Wednesday. Sometimes I eat in Jeff's car. Don't tell him.

Troy, make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end.

Community Quotes

Sensible night, appropriate night.
Snow on ground, left and right.
Round yon purchase of decorative things.
Tolerant rewrite of carols to sing.
Function with relative ease,
Function with relative ease.

Shirley [sung to the tune of "Silent Night"]

Annie: How much effort am I worth?
Jeff: I'd break a light sweat.