Popular Alan Harper Quotes
Jake: Can I go back to mom's tomorrow?
Alan: Why?
Jake: I want to hang out with my friends.
Alan: What, all of a sudden your father's not good enough for you?
Jake: It's not "all of a sudden."
Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks. If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a picnic basket
Alan [about Jake being a slob]: I'll talk to him.
Berta: Well, while you're at it, you may want to mention the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest, the dead marine life in the back of his closet, and the booger collection under his bed!
Alan: I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Berta: Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean
Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.
Alan: Is that a leaf-blower?
Rose: That is not what they call it in Amsterdam.
Alan: You mind looking after Jake while I'm gone?
Charlie: If it will help you get outta here, I'd breast feed him for you
Charlie: So what should we do with Jake today?
Alan: I don't know. How about a barbecue?
Charlie: Gee, Alan, I don't know. The kid is delicious, but I think I'd prefer hamburgers
Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan?
[Alan glares]
Charlie: Sorry, I should've "eased into it."
Alan: Do you really want me to tell a ten year old boy that someone he really cares about was pretending to like him? What kind of lesson is that?
Charlie: He lives in L.A., he might as well learn now
Charlie: I'm gonna hate this movie.
Alan: How do you know?
Charlie: Because it has subtitles. The only good subtitles are for Nazis, drug lords and space aliens. Oh and kung fu.
You complete me; add another chick and I will complete myself.
Alan: I guess that the bar is not set very high.
Beverly: You have not done much online dating before; you cleared it with a penis and a job
