Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Evelyn: You're my son. I should at least pretend I believe in you.
Alan: Thank you.
Evelyn: I'm putting "American Cancer Society" on the memo line. Just ignore that.

Isabella: People like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years.
Alan: Hmmm. Well, that's a bit hard to believe seeing as people like me have been historically victims and food

Mandi: Hi, Alan, how are you?
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm

Charlie: D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
Jake: That was fifty pages!
Charlie: Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Alan: Has it occured to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
Jake: No, I'm lazy

Prudence [about sunblock]: Can you put some of this on my back?
Alan: No!
Prudence: If you don't, I'll burn.
Alan: If I do, I will

Jake: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
Alan: That's nice.
Jake: He treated me more like a stupid person.

(To Charlie and Jake) Stop it, the both of you! There will be no puking. We are going to stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a little bit, and then I am going to fake a migraine.

Kandi: Want to have sex?
Alan: What?
Kandi: I'm horny, you're stressed, seems like we both benefit

Alan [after finding his mother's bra in Charlie's car]: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.