Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Alan: I won't allow you to hurt my best friend.
Rose: Calm down, you finally found a friend, do not screw it up.

Jake [about Joanie]: That girl's really annoying.
Alan: I think maybe she has a crush on you.
Jake: Well, yeah! That's what's annoying.
Alan: You don't really like girls yet huh?
Jake: No, I like girls, I'm just not into eight-year-olds

Charlie: (about Jake) I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.

Judith and I had to get married at the Sportsmen's Lodge in November on the first Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

Alan: Your mom will be here any minute. I thought I told you to get ready.
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done.
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better

Judith [about Jake]: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do

See, this is why communication is important in a relationship. Two minutes ago, I did not care if you lived or died, but right now..? I love you as no man as ever loved a woman.

Alan: You'll see things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.
Jake: Like what?
Alan: Well, er, always keep your lunch money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.
Jake: How come?
Alan: Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you til they get something.
Jake: Who are "they"?
Alan: The big kids holding you by the ankles and plunging your head into the toilet.
Jake: Plunging my head into the toilet?!
Charlie: Don't freak the kid out, Alan. It's not so much "plunging" as "dipping."

Charlie: Alan, smack your kid for me
Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?
Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me

Charlie: Sure you don't want a drink?
Alan: Nah, when I'm depressed alcohol just makes me feel worse
Charlie: Yeah, same. The trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.