Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: Berta, have you noticed anything different about Charlie lately?
Berta: What do you mean?
Alan: Well, he's always been promiscuous, but I'm starting to think I should hide my bowling ball.
Charlie: I learned why I screw around so much.
Alan: Really?
Charlie: Yup... I think I've spent my whole life trying to fill the empty space in myself by, you know...
Alan: ...filling the empty space in others?
Alan: It's just a coincidence that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute, and all of the sudden you show up at the front door?
Rose: You're waiting for a prostitute?
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
Alan: (talking about Milly's mom) She seems nice. Who is she?
Charlie: I have no freaking idea.
Jake: I'll tell you who she is, the grandmother of my children.
Alan: So, did you make the call?
Charlie: Everybody wants me to pimp for them. I might as well get a purple hat, high boots, and a full-length fur coat.
Alan: If anyone can pull it off, it's you.
(to Charlie) I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.
Alan: Where did you get that?
Jake: I found it on the table.
Alan: Oh, Jake...
Jake: It's okay, I'm eating on the side without the teeth marks.
Charlie: Puberty, my ass. That's a missing chromosome.
Jake: Do you really want to do something with me?
Alan: Yes.
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and then you pick me up when we're done.
Rose got you sick? It had nothing to do with you sticking your tongue down the throat of a flu-riddled bimbo?
Jake: Hey, Rose, you wanna go see a movie later?
Rose: Maybe. We'll see how your uncle's feeling. He's very, very sick.
Alan: So, basically, what we're saying here is, you'll go to the movies with anybody but me.
Jake: Not anybody. I wouldn't go with Hitler.
Alan: I went over Donna's house to break up with her.
Charlie: I'm proud of you.
Alan: Thanks... You're gonna meet her parents next weekend.
Charlie: But you just said...
Alan: I know what I said, but I just couldn't do it. I'm not capable of rejecting another human being.
Charlie: Wow, you would think after all these years, you'd want to get even.
Alan: Don't you dare feel sorry for me. This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and they develop a routine, and if it's not always fireworks and explosions, well that's a reasonable trade for a warm, collegiate partnership.
Charlie: You poor, poor bastard.
