Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: Well done. You sublimated your anger and came from a place of love. You took the high road.
Charlie: Really, is that what you call it? Cause I call it a complete and total betrayal of my testicles.
Alan: If you've done it as much as I have, you'd call it the high road.
Charlie: If Chelsea were your fiancee, you'd have bigger problems.
Alan: Like what?
Charlie: Being the last man on Earth.
Alan: That guy is everything you're not.
Charlie: What's that mean?
Alan: He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't tumble through life stinking of whsikey and KY jelly.
Charlie: Hey, KY jelly is odorless.
Alan: Not where you put it.
Evelyn: Now before we waste money on some expensive lawyer, how much jail time are talking about if you just roll over.
Alan: I don't want to go to jail.
Charlie: And if he does, he's certainly going to want to roll over.
Evelyn: Charles, that was crude and uncalled for.
Alan: Ten hours! Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell.
Charlie: You shouldn't have peed yourself.
Louanne: So have you done the internet dating thing before?
Alan: All the time and if you're interested I know a couple tricks to weed out the losers.
Louanne: I'm very interested.
Alan: Okay let me see if I got this straight: in order to not spend time with your fiance's parents, you're going to let a doctor snake a camera up your kiester?
Charlie: I'd be willing to let them shoot an IMAX feature.
Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean... I miss Sex and the City.
Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.
Jake: I love her.
Alan: Stop it, you love fart jokes and pie.
Jake: Fart jokes, pie and Celeste.
Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire.
Alan: This might have been the worst date of my life.
Charlie: Did she dress you in a leather bustier and tie you to a bed?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she super glue a model car to your balls?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she talk you into trying on one of mom's dresses while she stole your wallet?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then this wasn't even your worst date this month.
Alan: No, I suppose. And thanks for the highlight reel, by the way.
Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...
