In the dating game, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If superman was a vagina.

Alan: It wasn't a nut house, it was a stress clinic.
Jake: What's the difference?
Alan: About $2500 / week.

Alan: Oh thank god I'm still in a looney bin.
Gary Busey: It's a stress clinic.

I'm soaking wet and i had to give a truck driver half a handy to get here.

I'll give you a hint, I didn't do the dog people style.

Jake: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
Alan: That's nice.
Jake: He treated me more like a stupid person.

Walden: We're talk songs, thongs, bongs and schlongs.
Alan: If he had an autobiography, that'd be the title.

Walden: I'm not going sleep with your mother.
Alan: If I had a dime for every time i heard that, I'd have have $3.60. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's 36 times.

It's a miracle I'm not a transexual on Dancing With the Stars.

Alan: Does she have a magic vagina?
Walden: Like can you pull a rabbit out of it?

Jake: Dad, please tell me I'm not done growing.
Alan: Knock yourself out.

I may love broadway musicals, and have a keen eye for fashion, but that's where it ends.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.