The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXBart Simpson Quotes
Lisa: You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!
Marge: I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. ((Leaves the room)
((Lisa climbs out the window and slides down the tree only to land in a laundry basket being held by Marge)
Marge: Bart Simpson: Age 3. (Both go back inside)
(Bart comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black)
Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!
Marge: Okay, remember our deal: Everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feelings. (holds up calendar with "From Bart" sticker) I'm returning this kitten calendar.
Lisa: (holds up identical calendar) Um, I'm also returning this kitten calendar.
Homer: Kitten calendar.
(Maggie holds up kitten calendar)
Bart: Hey, those are 15-month calendars! That gives you three extra kittens.
(The family stares at him blankly. He takes back the calendars)
Bart: That's the last time I get you guys a Christmas present at the last minute. (looks at back of calendar) Man, those are ugly kittens.
A log cabin? What am I, Davy Crockett? Also, who's Davy Crockett?
(Marge and Homer are kissing in the back of the peddle car)
Bart: Knock it off back there!
Homer: But we're married!
Bart: Ok, but keep it PG.
Homer: How about R?
Bart: PG-13.
Homer: Woohoo! Adult situations!
(Marge and Homer continue kissing)
I'm cuckoo for killing stuff!
Bart
(Bart marvels at the things in Simon's bedroom.)
Bart: Wow, cool poster of Joe Montana.
Joe Montana: (steps out of the wall) It's not a poster.
(Bart screams)
Joe Montana: I'm the real deal. Every day I stand here the family donates a million dollars to Notre Dame. Did you know the words "Notre Dame" are French, but the team is the Fighting Irish? That's the kind of thing I think about in here.
Bart: Back in the poster, gabby.
Joe Montana: Yes, sir.
Homer: You just cost me $200,000!
Bart: I thought it was 50.
Homer: I was gonna bet it on the dogs!
Milhouse: Hey, Bart. I think I have a crush on your new sister.
Bart: You had a crush on my old sister.
Milhouse: Yeah, but that wasn't going to happen.
Oh my, God. Simon set me up. And all this time I thought he wanted the life of a stranger he met in the bathroom.
(Dr. Hibbert gives Bart money after retrieving his golf ball.)
Bart: A dollar? What for?
Dr. Hibbert: It's the least I could do. These balls cost five dollars new.
Bart: So I can get a dollar for every ball I find? Then if a cell phone costs $100, how many balls do I need?
Dr. Hibbert: (speaking aside to Dr. Riviera, his caddy) This is why my kids go to private school. (Laughs)
Marge: Bart, how did you get a cell phone?
Bart: The same way you got me. By accident, on a golf course.
(Bart is at Lisa's tea party)
Bart: I don't know why I agreed to this.
Lisa: Because you like the taste of my imaginary tea.
Bart: Oh, you're right.
