Favorite Berta Quotes
Jake: Hey, Berta, do you wanna see my armpit hair?
Berta: Only if you want to see mine
Charlie: I'm babysitting.
Berta: You?
Charlie Why not me?
Berta: You're a rum-soaked degenerate.
Berta [about Alan and Chelsea becoming friends]: This is the perfect set up for you
Charlie: How do you figure?
Berta: Do you like to go shopping?
Charlie: No
Berta: Zippy does. Do you like to watch chick flicks?
Charlie: No
Berta: Zippy does. Do you like to talk for hours about your feelings?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Zippy do
Charlie: Oh right...
Berta: He digs the trench, you lay the pipe
Berta: Charlie, you got somebody in there?
Charlie: Uh, no.
Berta: I need to get your towels.
Charlie: Uh, I really wish you wouldn't.
Berta: Come on, I'm doing laundry. I want to finish a load before I go.
Charlie: Yeah, well, me too.
Berta: What?
Charlie: Never mind. Just go away!
Berta: All right. If it helps, you can think of me.
Alan: I hope it works out with your granddaughters.
Berta: They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should they look forward to - the next season of "Teen Mom?"
Ahh, ain't that sweet? Every time a guy has sex, an angel gets a stiffy
Alan: I loved Charity Kirschenbaum and you stole her right out from under me!
Berta: He's speaking metaphorically, right?
Charlie: Yeah... he was never on top of that.
Walden: Is he prone to mental breakdowns?
Berta: Prone? No. Eligible? Certainly.
Berta: Last chance to see those tattoos!
Alan: No, thanks.
Berta: I can make the road runner do jumping jacks!
Charlie: Hey, didn't see you there.
Berta: That's the first time anyone's ever said that to me.
Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl?
Charlie: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.
Berta: Corn? Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas
Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.
