Favorite Berta Quotes
Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.
Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
Charlie: Like what?
Berta: Oh... I don't know. Go to a fun party, see a great movie, run into an old flame with a new wick
(Charlie Waffles music plays)
Berta: Pretty catchy, huh?
Alan: So's gonorrhea.
Berta: Drinking from the well of bitterness are we?
My point being, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I want a fully-funded 401K and a Camaro.
Berta: What's this broad got that's so special?
Charlie: A brain.
Berta: What are you going to do with a brain?
Charlie: It doesn't matter, she'll never call me.
Berta: Awww! Don't talk like that. Just because she's smart and successful doesn't mean she's not damaged enough to go out with you.
Charlie: So that's it, that's all I have to look forward to? A wife that has to go to a happy place every time I have sex with her.
Berta: Is Chelsea complaining?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Can you read her mind?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then don't worry about it.
Alan: Then we went skinny dipping. Who's idea was that?
Berta: Mine.
Charlie: Hey Berta, look what I got.
Berta: Big deal, it's a freaking miracle you don't got ten of them.
Charlie: This is Linda's son, Brandon.
Brandon: I'm Brandon.
Berta: I got ears.
Berta [carrying more eggnog]: Here we go, more fuel for the fire.
Charlie: You said you were going home.
Berta: Well, that was before I knew you were having a party.
Charlie: This isn't a party. It's just a bunch of people I don't like, standing around, drinking my booze. Oh, crap, it is a party
Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper. I just fold them and sell them at the swap meet, but this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie: Now to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta: Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.
Alan [about Jake being a slob]: I'll talk to him.
Berta: Well, while you're at it, you may want to mention the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest, the dead marine life in the back of his closet, and the booger collection under his bed!
Alan: I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Berta: Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean
Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid
