Popular Berta Quotes
Charlie [about Jake]: If he can score just once before I die then my life will have been worthwhile.
Berta: Then you might want to start eating healthier.
Charlie: Hey, didn't see you there.
Berta: That's the first time anyone's ever said that to me.
Charlie: So that's it, that's all I have to look forward to? A wife that has to go to a happy place every time I have sex with her.
Berta: Is Chelsea complaining?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Can you read her mind?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then don't worry about it.
Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
Charlie: So, junior high eh? Boy, that brings back some memories. Doesn't it, Alan?
Alan: Can we please not go down that road?
Jake: What happened?
Alan: Nothing, it's just that kids in junior high can be a little judgmental.
Berta: Especially if you're knocked-up.
Alan: Thank you, Berta.
Berta: Of course on the upside, pregnant chicks didn't have to go to gym.
Charlie: Did the guys who got 'em pregnant get any consideration... nooo. Not even a hall pass.
Berta: Morning.
Alan: Morning. Hey, Berta, you're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering-what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.
Berta: What's this broad got that's so special?
Charlie: A brain.
Berta: What are you going to do with a brain?
Charlie: It doesn't matter, she'll never call me.
Berta: Awww! Don't talk like that. Just because she's smart and successful doesn't mean she's not damaged enough to go out with you.
Alan: Berta, have you seen Charlie?
Berta: He's not in his bed?
Alan: No.
Berta: Passed out on the bathroom floor?
Alan: No.
Berta: Rubbing oil on the volleyball girls?
Jake: No.
Berta: Well, that just leaves the bars, hospitals, and jails. I'll go get the Yellow Pages.
God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both.
Charlie: I'm babysitting.
Berta: You?
Charlie Why not me?
Berta: You're a rum-soaked degenerate.
Charlie: Hey Berta, look what I got.
Berta: Big deal, it's a freaking miracle you don't got ten of them.
Charlie: This is Linda's son, Brandon.
Brandon: I'm Brandon.
Berta: I got ears.
Berta: (sees Alan using Jake's iPod) Who's he listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good—reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band's called Who.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: And I work for your family.
