Charlie Harper Quotes
Jake: Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet!
Charlie: I don't suppose that's a Rubenesque nineteen-year-old girl?
Alan: Porky's his pet guinea pig.
Charlie: You're bringing vermin into my house?
Alan: Charlie, I want Jake to follow the rules, so I need you to be my eyes and my ears.
Charlie: Ok, I need you to be my liver and my prostate
Jake: Why do you hate your mother?
Charlie: I'll tell you all about that when you're old enough to drink
Charlie: What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano?
Jake: How do you know it was me?
Charlie: Oh, come on, who else around here drinks Transylvania Goofy Juice?
Jake: Good point
Alan: Got to run to the grocery store. I'm gonna need somebody to fold these clothes.
Charlie: I don't know if the grocery store is the first place I'd go for that, but good luck
Alan: This sock is soaking wet.
Charlie: Yeah, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth, and the lid was open.
Alan: So this is toilet water?
Charlie: At least
Charlie: What'd you get busted for?
Jake: I painted my room at Mom's house.
Charlie: What's wrong with that?
Jake: I'm ten years old
Alan: All right, I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the groceries away...
Charlie: The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
Alan: Yeah, well, it's all I got
Alan: I am not comfortable with this. Maybe I should go and wait in the car.
Charlie: You're not waiting in the car. Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
Alan: I don't wanna meet women. I'm still married.
Charlie: C'mon. Your wife is out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?
Jake [singing]: ...it's the sweetest breakfast treat, it's maple-maple-maplelicious.
Hot Chick: Your son is just adorable.
Alan: Oh. Thank you.
Hot Chick: You and your... life partner must be so proud.
Charlie: You're right. Go wait in the car!
Charlie: You know your uncle Charlie wrote that song.
Jake: No lie.
Charlie: Kid, if I was going to lie to you, I would have said I wrote "Stairway to Heaven"
Well, Alan, there's not much to say. I make a lot of money for doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach... and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeck
Charlie: What are you smiling about?
Jake: You don't have any food.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry. Who's smiling now, shorty?
