The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXPopular Chief Wiggum Quotes
Homer: So, goodbye.
Chief Wiggum: Farewell.
Apu: Shop Kwik-E-Mart and save!
Be Sharps: Goodbye my Coney Island babe!
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid said.
Sideshow Bob has no decency, he called me, Chief Piggum! (everybody laughs) Oh ah, now I get it! Haha, that's good!
Chief Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: (indignantly) I'm pretty sure there is.
Chief Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle --
Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. (shows him "Springfield Law".)
Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's ALSO illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
(Shot of Eddie the cop with squirrels running around in his pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing) Boys, knock it off!
Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. (It is labeled "Dracula.") Police are baffled.
Chief Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed.
(Devil Flanders curses Homer by turning his head into a donut.)
Marge: Homer, don't pick at it!
Homer: But, Marge, I'm so sweet and tasty! Well, I guess I'll go to work.
Lisa: Uh, Dad, I wouldn't go out there if I were you.
Chief Wiggum: (Outside house, sipping coffee) Don't worry, boys. He's got to come out of there sometime.
Chief Wiggum: Mmm, engine-black eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty.
(Marge and Ruth drive by)
Homer: That's them!
Chief Wiggum: Quiet! I can't hear the eggs.
Ah, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman, though, because one time I...uh, heh...
Oh, I'm uh.. on a road, uh.. looks to be asphelt. Um, ah geez, trees, shrubs um.... I'm directly under the earths sun... nnnow!
Marge: We can't trick these guys. They are highly trained professionals!
(Ruth turns off the car lights.)
Chief Wiggum: Oh my god, it just disappeared! (Gasp) It's a ghost car! (Slams on brakes) There are ghost cars all over these highways you know.
Homer: Hold me!
Chief Wiggum: Only if you hold me!
(The Simpsons are watching TV)
Chief: You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle. Did you really have to break so much furniture?
McGonigle: You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.
Homer: Ah, McGonigle: eases the pain.
Chief: You're off the case, McGonigle!
McGonigle: You're off your case, Chief!
Chief: What does that mean exactly?
Homer: (yelling) It means he gets results, you stupid chief!
Lisa: Dad, sit down.
Homer: Oh, I'm sorry.
I keep telling you lady, your father and son have to be missing for a week before we can start searching. I'd like to help sooner, I would, but we're very very busy down here! (plays chess)
