Shane: Are you eating your napkin?
Doug: No (he is).

Can you just breathe on me so that I can smell some food.

My favorite movie is Cool Hand Luke, but really it's Steel Magnolias

Doug: I don't know where they went!
Goon 1: Bullshit.

Dean: My rate is five hundred dollars an hour
Doug: Wooo... that better include a rim job

Getting laid was easy in the seventies. I drove a Camaro.

How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy?

Oh, it's a weed wonderland, Nancy. Like Amsterdam, only better, because you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.

Nance, trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money.

Andy Botwin: How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?
Doug Wilson: I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU.

Did you try the Sag Aloo? It's to die for and then be reincarnated and then die for again.