Favorite Evelyn Harper Quotes
Evelyn [about the funeral]: I'm gonna need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?
Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke
Evelyn: You know it's tacky to arrive empty-handed. Perhaps we should stop and get a box of wine or some aerosol cheese.
Charlie: Whoa! Mom, you're on fire tonight!
Evelyn: It's the new meds. They mix well with liquor.
Alan: This was a bad idea.
Evelyn: Charlie, didn't you tell him that's the gay ear?
Evelyn [about Alan and Judith]: If you were to reconcile, I would have to apologize to her.
Alan: So?
Evelyn: I'd rather kill us all
Do you just stay awake at nights thinking of new ways to embarrass me?
Did my son... polish your trophy wife?
Evelyn: When I was married to your second step-father...
Charlie: The carpet king?
Evelyn: Well I called him that, but it wasn't his profession
Evelyn [to Alan]: Are you telling me you need to get your ex-wife's approval to let your own son spend time with your own mother?
Charlie: He had a really, really bad lawyer
Evelyn: Good Lord, are you picking your nose?!?
Jake: I had to. There was stuff in it.
Evelyn: And just where were you planning to put it?
Jake: I didn't really have a plan
Alan [reading the newspaper]: Hey, mom, here's some good news. It seems with medical breakthroughs, the average life span will soon be a hundred years.
Evelyn: Wonderful, more time to be ignored by your children
[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]
Evelyn: You son of a bitch.
Alan: So you weren't the one who was...
Evelyn: Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.
Evelyn: You're a dermatologist. How do I get rid of 170 lb skin tag?
Alan: Excuse me, 164.
Charlie: Really? That's the part of you object to?
Alan: Would you like to be called a 200 lb drunk?
Charlie: 180.
Alan: See?
Charlie: Yeah, well better a lush than a leach.
