Favorite Evelyn Harper Quotes
Evelyn [about her second husband]: I just can't believe he's gone.
Charlie: Isn't that why we're going to the funeral, to make sure?
Evelyn: Good Lord, are you picking your nose?!?
Jake: I had to. There was stuff in it.
Evelyn: And just where were you planning to put it?
Jake: I didn't really have a plan
I think God gives us children so that death won't come as such a disappointment
Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom
Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D?
Jake: C-O-W
I want to see you happy, and not dressed like an unemployed lesbian
Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint
That 60 Minutes report on Dr. Shankman was entirely one-sided, just like that poor woman's vagina.
Evelyn: How many pieces of bacon are you going to eat?
Jake: My record's fourteen. I barfed, but it still counts
Walden: Can we get one of those fancy Japanese toilets that sprays water and sprays your tooshie.
Evelyn: With your money you can find an actual Japanese person to do it
Walden: See what you can find.
For god sake's walden, I'm old enough to be your mother. Assuming a teenage pregnancy, of course.
You really should get that boy a unicycle and bowling pins.
