Gloria: Jay, don't forget Joe's new doll.
Jay: Cam and Mitchell, always pushing their agenda.

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

You're not working for the rolo-dex stealing Earl Chambers!

All I wanted was to bribe my way into that school by making cubbies that stuff didn't fall out of.

It would kill me if I thought that what I felt would hold you back from getting something that you wanted.

I gotta stop talking to that kid while I'm drinking.

Jay: Name two cabinet level positions.
Gloria: That's easier. There's the higher one for the glasses, and the lower one for the pots and the pans.

The family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever. You can handle it.

The minute they got rid of rotary phones, everything went to hell.

How'd you get in my phone? Does this mean that when we talked the other day, you knew I was in the can?

Lot of attitude from a guy whose date is a tub of ice cream and a fuzzy robe. You're spending Valentine's Day in a Cathy comic.

As loud as these 2 are, they move like cats.