Whats next you're gonna dress her in fishnets? Put her in a window in Amsterdam? Just keep it casual!

This is a place of business. She needs to throw a tarp over those bounce houses.

Mitchell: Wow remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.
Jay: You never had a condition that made it difficult to breathe.
Mitchell: I was a closeted gay kid at sports camp. I spent the week in mid-faint.

Manny: You know now that I think about it, I could be allergic to Stella. I've been a little stuff since we got her.
Jay: You were stuffy long before that. Do you not remember scolding that waiter at Chuck E Cheese for serving you from the right.

Gloria: He thinks he might be allergic to Stella.
Jay: What? The only reaction this dog gives people is the giggles.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Can you not make this fear worse? I watched Dede coddle Mitchell when he was afraid of the dark. Until he was 7 he would only blink one eye at a time. It gave a lot girls the wrong impression.

Jay: I thought your phone was stolen.
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

Leaving Phil with a car salesman is like covering a baby goat in barbecue sauce and dropping it in the middle of the Serengeti.

Jay: Where were you when I was growing up? I'd of had your dice and cigarettes before you got to homeroom.
Manny: Where'd you go to school? "Guys and Dolls?"

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.